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Film Trailer Giveaways That a Movie Will Suck

Why Hollywood, why?  Why do you take all that is good, and turn it to poo?  It’s like you’ve got this team of anti-alchemists working around the clock, taking our favorite novels, our fondest childhood memories, even freaking movies that already exist and transforming them into dilapidated fecal patties to be hurled at walls by bonobo monkeys.

Yeah that’s right, bonobo monkeys.

Particularly in the last 2 years or so we’ve been bombarded with film trailers that got our little hearts beating faster, effectively getting us off the couch and into the theaters, only to have us walk out  2 hours later, pissed off and unable to believe they somehow managed to miss the mark YET AGAIN.  So how can we avoid this, sparing our wallets from financial strain and our souls from bitter disappointment?  The answers my friends are blowing in the wind.  Just replace “wind” with trailers, and replace “blowing” with…well just delete blowing.

Obviously there are trailers for movies so terrible that any person with active brain matter could confidently lean over to the person next to them and say “I will NEVER see that!”  But when trailers for major blockbusters are concerned, the hints that they might be giant stink bombs are a little more subtle.  The following are some clues on how to sift through the cinematic muck.

If the trailer voice guy sucks

On September 1, 2008, the film industry lost one of its most valuable commodities: Don Lafontaine, the voice for over 5,000 movie trailers.  While “Thunder Throat” is probably the last nickname you’d want your teenaged son to acquire in high school, LaFontaine’s voice dropped lower than his classmates’ testicles at an early age, earning him a lifetime’s worth of voiceover work and voice acting gigs.  But he’s most famous for introducing millions of movie goers to upcoming productions with the famous phrase “In a world where lizards could sing.”  Well, at least the “in a world” part.

As soon as LaFontaine’s words bellowed forth from theatre subwoofers, you knew the movie being previewed was going to kick ass.  His voice work for trailers was so good that stand up comic Pablo Francisco practically made a living of impersonating him.

So, whenever you hear a voice, trying desperately to be the voice, the movie is probably a piece of garbage.

Now I realize that Don hasn’t voiced any trailers in over two years, due of course to his lack of life. But then again, I don’t think I’ve seen a decent film since ’08.  So there!  My logic is sound.

If the trailer shows you all the best parts

Have you ever watched a trailer and felt “Well, now I don’t need to see the movie.” A movie trailer lasts about 2 minutes, and yet some of them manage to give up all the goods for a film which lasts about 120.  You’re supposed to sell the sizzle, not run around slapping everyone in the face with the steak.  Here’s an example of a good preview for a good movie.  Remember, less is often more.  This preview starts with 3 seconds of blackness, before showing you a single image.  That’s balls.  They know what they’ve got, and they’re not afraid to make us wait.  In fact, over the course of the 120 second preview, 10 of those seconds are spent in total darkness, letting the viewer’s imagination run wild for a little bit.  It gives you very little information, showing you long camera pans of the city, a playing card on fire, and slow zooms of people doing nothing.  Tiny snippets of random disjointed conversations, an explosion here, a flipped truck there, just enough to get the saliva glands tingling.

Now look at this trailer.

After watching the movie and being horribly disappointed, I went back and watched the trailer and understood why: I already knew everything that was going to happen before seeing the damned thing.  Everything in the trailer is in the exact chronological order as in the movie:

• Sam leaves Bumblebee and Megan Fox behind to go to school (idiot!!!)
• He gets infected by the AllSpark splinter and freaks out in class
• The Decepticons come to earth, destroying buildings and an aircraft carrier
• John Turturro has the answers and delivers the only good line in the entire movie
• The symbols lead everyone to the pyramids
• Megatron comes back!
• Optimus Prime gets his butt kicked
• Sam gets captured
• Autobots do battle with Decepticons
• Devastator sucks up the desert

Thanks guys.  You basically gave us all the punch lines, so we could spend 12 bucks + pop corn + drink to sit and watch the setups.

If the trailer features Nicholas Cage

That is all.

If the trailer for a comedy doesn’t make you laugh

I’ve always been a fan of the Whitest Kids U’ Know, but I was a bit nervous about whether or not they could sustain their funniness any longer than the 10 minute cut-off point of a YouTube clip.  Turns out my instincts were correct, because Miss March was an unbelievable pile of poop.  I shouldn’t have been surprised though, the trailer didn’t make me laugh once, not even that laugh where you quickly exhale through your nose and nod your head once or twice.

Year One was also a big disappointment. But how could this be?  The trailer was hilarious, made me laugh 3-4 times out loud, it featured an all-star comedy cast, the idea was fun and it even had Michael Cera completely painted in gold.  So where did I go wrong? Why didn’t I foresee the huge upset?  I went back and watched the preview again for any signs I might have missed, and sure enough, there it was, plain as day: lame preview guy voice.

If the trailer references other films

“It’s like The Matrix meets Big Mama.”  Whenever a film needs to compare itself to another film, chances are it’s going to be terrible.  The producers have so little faith in their own product they need to piggy back on the works of others.  A classic example is the trailer for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, a film whose name alone should have aroused our suspicions.  They spend the first half of the preview, reminding us of the first three Indy films!  Weak.

More clues to be wary of:

• If the trailer features a kid actor saying grownup things.
• If the words “from the director who brought you…” are followed by lame movie titles.
• If you haven’t seen a recognizable face in the first 10 seconds.
• If an actor who won an Oscar for “Best Supporting actor” is now the lead actor.
• If the name Wayans appears anywhere.  ANYWHERE.

In a world where comments are welcome…one man…one woman…two cocker spaniels… all should feel free to add their own clues on how to tell a movie will suck by watching the trailer.

Sketch Comedy: 6 Funny Sketches From My Favorite Troupes

From May 17th-22nd, following Anti-Homophobic day, the Theatre Ste-Catherine in Montreal will be playing host to Sketchfest, a week-long sketch comedy festival featuring some of Canada’s funniest troupes.  Growing up watching SNL, Kids in the Hall, Monty Python and just generally being a fan of sketch comedy my entire life, I’ve really enjoyed watching the skits make their way from the live stage to television, NOT to films, and now most popularly, to the Internet.  The following are some of my favorite sketch comedy troupes, some of which I know personally, and most of which I discovered while poking around Youtube, looking for a quick laugh.

The Whitest Kids U’ Know

Winners of the “Best Sketch Group” during HBO’s U.S. Comedy Arts Festival back in ’06, The Whitest Kids U’ Know have been splitting sides for over a decade now.  Trevor Moore, Sam Brown and Zach Cregger all met while attending the School of Visual Arts in New York, while Darren Trumeter and Timmy Williams would team up with the original trio soon after.  They have performed to sold out crowds all over New York city, they had and lost a television show with Fuse TV, which would later be picked up by IFC, and Trevor and Zach would eventually take their comedy to the silver screen with the film Miss March.  The Slow Jerk was my official introduction to these guys, and they made a fantastic first impression.

To see more WKUK you can visit their official website.

BriTANick

Brian McElhaney was an actor slash filmmaker from Atlanta. Nick Kocher was also an actor from Atlanta.  Friends from the same neck of the woods, it would not be until they were both attending New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts that they recognized their potential as a team, and would merge to form the sketch comedy robot known as BriTANick.  They both act, write, direct, and edit each sketch, with the help of their many talented friends when the need arises.  The following is the first video I ever saw from them, and I’ve been a fan ever since.

To see more BriTANick you can visit their official website.

Picnicface

This octo-troupe holds a special place in my heart as they are based right out of my backyard in Halifax, Nova Scotia.  Okay well, maybe not exactly in my backyard, I live in Montreal so my house would have to be the size of the moon to have its backyard in Halifax.  The point is they are Canadian and I’ve met some of them and they’re hilarious.  They’ve only been around for the last four years but they’ve been making ‘em laugh by the millions with their online sketches and live performances.  Most are familiar with their runaway Youtube hit Powerthirst, well here’s Powerthirst 3: Powermost.

To see more Picnicface you can visit their official website.

The Sketchersons

Some more homegrown talent from Toronto, Ontario, The Sketchersons have been nominated for best Sketch Troupe for the last five years in a row at the Canadian Comedy Awards, taking the trophy home in ’07.  A huge cast of improv actors, actor actors, and stand up comics, The Sketchersons are to sketch comedy what the Etch-a Sketch is to dial-drawings.  For the last six years the troupe have offered Torontonians knee-slapping laughter in the form of Sunday Night Live, a weekly sketch comedy show hosted by many of Canada’s funniest stand up comics.  Focusing most of their energies on live performances, the Sketchersons have less of an online presence as the other groups on this list, but if you want to hear Batman recite some soul-shattering poetry, check this s*** out!

To see more from The Sketchersons you can visit their official website or visit their MySpace videos page.

Derrick Comedy

Once again from New York University comes Dominic Dierkes, DC Pierson and Donald Glover.  Yes, we know what you’re thinking.  None of them is named Derrick.  We were also shocked to discover this disturbing fact, and we are here to tell you that there are no answers, only more questions.  But with over 30 videos on YouTube, most of which breaking the million mark, there is no doubt these guys deliver the comedic goods.  It was very difficult to choose one of my favorites, so once again I will go with the first clip I ever saw from these non-Derricks.

To see more Derrick Comedy you can visit their official website.

POYKPAC

All the way from Albuquerque, New Mexico comes Ryan Hall, Ryan Hunter, Taige Jensen, Jennifer Lyon, and Maggie Ross.  Actually, they’re from Brooklyn, but we thought it would be more interesting to say they were from a place with at least two “q”s in its name.  They easily have my favorite troupe name on this list, POYKPAC, the acronym for Pictures of Your Kids Pooping and Crying.  They are probably best known for their 15-episode web series on the Independent Film Channel called “Good Morning Internet,” or their YouTube videos Hipster Olympics, Mario Game Over, or Voice Talkers.  Whatever the case, their videos are well thought out, brilliantly executed and above all else, hilarious.  There is “thinking outside the box” and then there’s “moving to a far away country where boxes haven’t been invented yet,” a fact which makes the following clip one of my favourites.

To see more POYKPAC you can visit their official website.

5 People Who Got Away With Jokes About the Special Olympics

Special Olympics.  Never in history have two words been more effective at dividing the people.

On the one hand, you have those whose hearts are filled to the brim with hope and love, whose eyes glaze over with tears of pride and compassion whenever a Special Olympic athlete crosses the finish line, even if the aforementioned athlete wasn’t competing in a race of any kind.  To these people the human spirit is something to be cherished, and they would (if they could), personally escort anyone making fun of the Special Olympics into the deepest bowels of hell.

And then pee on them.
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Hilarious Professor Frink Inventions You’ll Never Get to Use

Professor John I.Q. Nerdelbaum Frink, Jr. was named after comedy writer John Frink, who would eventually become a writer for The Simpsons.  Hank Azaria brought the professor to life when he ad-libbed an impression of Jerry Lewis’ old character, the Nutty Professor.  Arguably one of the best television nerds of all time, Professor Frink has enriched our tv-watching lives with some of the greatest inventions we will never get to experience in real life, including the language known as “Hoyvin Glayvin.”  The following is a tribute to these inventions, inventions he created using  Thermodynamics, Hypermathematics, and of course, Microcalafragalistics…..bulv-gayvin.

Hamburger Earmuffs

If you think inventing the Hamburger Earmuffs was easy you’d be GLAYVENLY wrong.  The dear professor had problems like “the pickle matrix” to contend with, something Homer didn’t think of when he tried to steal Frink’s invention.

Death Ray

Invents a Ray of Death, it’s still in the Ray of Warmth phase, hopes that grandpa will invest.  (mm-hey!)

Gamble-Tron 2000

The Gamble-Tron 2000 was invented to predict the outcome of football games, and made its appearance during Lisa the Greekthe episode where Homer discovers Lisa’s sport betting skills.  How accurate are the GT-2000’s predictions? (Hoyvin!)

Radio Controlled Aeroplane for Babies

Thanks to the Frinkster, Apu could potentially command his very own squadron of flying babies. (Blayvin!)

Robo Bear

As Burns descends into the bowels of a deep depression over the loss of his teddy bear BoBo, Professor Frink introduces him to Robo, the robot bear.  (Hmm-blay!)

Run-Away House

Upon detecting any burgle-esque activities, the Run-Away House will do just that: It will stand up on electronic legs and go running down the street, whereupon it would trip and fall, spontaneously combust, setting all humans inside on fire. (Hm-hey!)

The 77X42

Not to be confused with the 77X43, Frinky invents the sourest sour ball ever.  (Voyvin!)

Frog Exaggerator

Bears a close resemblance to the Monsterometer.  (Gleevin!)

The Flying Motorcycle

Invents the Flying Motorcycle and offers it to Bart which he turns down. (Blayvin!)
Bart eventually regrets his decision.  (Mlayvin!)

Frinkahedron

As Homer gets sucked into a budget-busting dimension, Professor Frink explains to Homer’s family where he is.  (Ooomgle-hayvin hey!)

Frinkiak 7 Computer

Clearly unaware of the One Laptop Per Child program.  (Gleevin!)

Debigulator

Uses this invention to shrink Lisa so she can mingle with the tiny people who worship her as their God.  (Eedle-blay!)
But when Lisa needs to return to normal size…(Hoyvin Mayvin!)

AT-5000 Auto-Dialer

This device was invented for the noble purpose of informing children about snow days.   Alas, it fell into the hands of Jimmy the Scumbag and eventually Homer, who would use it for evil deeds like telemarketing and money-scamming. (Gleeevin!)

Matter Transporter

Sold to Homer for 35 cents, the Matter Transporter transforms Bart into the human fly.  (With the screaming and the transporting!)

Intra Bovine Ice-Cream Maker

Frink makes use of Mootilda’s four stomachs to produce delicious ice cream.  (Oye-vin!)

Sarcasm Detector

And my personal favorite. ( Blim-hey!)

Honorable Professor Frink inventions include:

A Steam Powered Super Spider for the Civil War reenactment.

A chess-playing robot arm

Floyd the Robot

Mood Pants

Automatic Tap Dancing Shoes



10 Plumbing Expressions That Don’t Mean What You Think

Toilet.  Is there a sexier word out there?  I submit there is not.  There’s a reason why so many porno plots begin with a scantily clad, heavily make-upped, high-heeled damsel in distress, opening her front door to reveal every woman’s ultimate fantasy: the plumber.  Wearing nothing but his work boots and a tool belt, he takes her breath away as he heroically declares, “I’m hear to plunge your toilet.”

This could mean many, many things.  But it could also mean that he’s there to actually plunge her toilet.  Truth be told, Plumbing rivals Italian, French and Spanish when it comes to sexy languages.  In fact the next time a plumber is on his knees in your bathroom and up to his elbows in toilet water, carefully place your ear next to that  dark  beautiful crack above his jeans and what you will hear can only be described as the poetry of angels.  The following are terms and expressions from the plumber’s dictionary which will make your heart beat faster and your pants get tighter….which is extremely disgusting, because they have nothing to do with what your twisted, in-the-gutter brain has conjured up.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Sweating the pipe

Sweating the pipe is when you solder two pipe fittings together, so that water cannot leak out.

Wiggling the Snake

Also known as a “toilet jack,” a “closet auger” or an “electric eel,” the plumbing snake is a flexible auger used to unclog toilets that are beyond the help of a plunger.  It takes practice to learn how to wiggle it correctly.

Clamping the nipple

A nipple is a short piece of pipe, usually with male threading at both ends, and is used for attaching two different couplings or fittings.  Using a nipple wrench, you can clamp the nipple from the inside so that when you unscrew it from the attached fittings you won’t damage the threads.  I think my pipe just moved.

Snap-on cockhole cover

A cockhole cover is a round plate, used to cover unused faucet holes in your sink.

Inserting the male hose into the female fitting

Also referred to as “mating”.  In the world of plumbing, whether it’s a pipe, a hose or a fitting, anything with threading on the outside is considered male.  To be female is to wear your threading on the inside.  Male parts can only screw into female ones.

“I’ve been a screw my whole life but my real passion is writing”

Hardness leakage

Calcium and magnesium are the two minerals which make cause water hardness, and which produce a hard scale in piping, water heaters, steam irons, and pots and pans.  When hard water is passed through a bed of ion exchanger, the positively charged calcium and magnesium ions are replaced with sodium, and the water becomes softer.  Leftover traces of hardness in the mineral bed is known as hardness leakage.

Hitting the head

Not so much a plumbing term per say, but it still confused me the first time I heard someone say “I’m off to hit the head.”  I pictured a madman backhanding his junk, in some sort of weird disciplinary ritual where he’s yelling “Bad head! Bad head!”

Elongating the pipe

A short length of pipe installed between couplings or other fittings

Discharge head

Not the baby-making juice for dyslexics, discharge head is the difference in elevation between the liquid level of the discharge tank and the centerline of the pump. Also includes any additional pressure head that may be present at the discharge tank fluid surface.  Okay this one was a bit of a stretch, but we needed 10, and it had “discharge” and “head.”

Screwing the ballcock

The ballcock is the mechanism in your toilet tank that keeps the water levels normal and prevents overflowing.  When you flush the handle it pulls a chain which is attached to a valve, allowing water to drain.

Of course if you look up the word “plumbing” in the Urban Dictionary, you’ll discover that it means much more than just, plumbing!

10 Ridiculously Lazy Halloween Costumes

If you’re like me, forgetful and lazy, Halloween can be an annual pain in the ass. Despite the fact that every October, every drug store I pass looks like Dracula threw up all over it, I somehow manage to go 364 days not thinking about Halloween. Ever since I was a teen-aged zombie, and disapproving adults begrudgingly dropped miniature Coffee Crisps into my pillow case, scowling at me with that “Aren’t you too old to be Trick or Treating?” look in their eye, I was positive that my costuming days were over. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Read more »

Pimp My Pimp: Pimpiest Pimps in Pimpland

“When a hoe gets with a pimp, it ain’t no different than a Huxtable relationship.”
- Snooky Pimp

I don’t think truer words have ever been said.  I never could get through an episode of the Cosby Show without thoughts of prostitutes getting cold cocked by fleshmongers flowing through my brain.  “It’s Pimpageddon!” I would often cry out, as Cliff Huxtable massaged Claire’s tired lawyer feet.  Read more »

Human Mutations the X-Men Have No Use For

Whenever I see a blind person being led around by a seeing eye dog or someone without legs wheeling themselves around on a skateboard, I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude towards whatever or whomever the hell created me without any major physical disorder.  Can I still say “disorder?” Politically correct terms are evolving at such a fast pace that I’m probably still using words that became inappropriate back in August.  Anyhow, the point being that I’m grateful.  Well, it would always bother me when I’d be reading X-Men comics and certain mutants would consider their gifts a “curse,” wishing they could have been born normal.  Well the following are some existing human mutations they could have been born with, none of which would have attracted the attention of Professor X.  So if you happen to be a member of the X-Men and you’re reading this, stop your whining and be grateful.

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