mcLOL.com

Hilarious Professor Frink Inventions You’ll Never Get to Use

Professor John I.Q. Nerdelbaum Frink, Jr. was named after comedy writer John Frink, who would eventually become a writer for The Simpsons.  Hank Azaria brought the professor to life when he ad-libbed an impression of Jerry Lewis’ old character, the Nutty Professor.  Arguably one of the best television nerds of all time, Professor Frink has enriched our tv-watching lives with some of the greatest inventions we will never get to experience in real life, including the language known as “Hoyvin Glayvin.”  The following is a tribute to these inventions, inventions he created using  Thermodynamics, Hypermathematics, and of course, Microcalafragalistics…..bulv-gayvin.

Hamburger Earmuffs

If you think inventing the Hamburger Earmuffs was easy you’d be GLAYVENLY wrong.  The dear professor had problems like “the pickle matrix” to contend with, something Homer didn’t think of when he tried to steal Frink’s invention.

Death Ray

Invents a Ray of Death, it’s still in the Ray of Warmth phase, hopes that grandpa will invest.  (mm-hey!)

Gamble-Tron 2000

The Gamble-Tron 2000 was invented to predict the outcome of football games, and made its appearance during Lisa the Greekthe episode where Homer discovers Lisa’s sport betting skills.  How accurate are the GT-2000’s predictions? (Hoyvin!)

Radio Controlled Aeroplane for Babies

Thanks to the Frinkster, Apu could potentially command his very own squadron of flying babies. (Blayvin!)

Robo Bear

As Burns descends into the bowels of a deep depression over the loss of his teddy bear BoBo, Professor Frink introduces him to Robo, the robot bear.  (Hmm-blay!)

Run-Away House

Upon detecting any burgle-esque activities, the Run-Away House will do just that: It will stand up on electronic legs and go running down the street, whereupon it would trip and fall, spontaneously combust, setting all humans inside on fire. (Hm-hey!)

The 77X42

Not to be confused with the 77X43, Frinky invents the sourest sour ball ever.  (Voyvin!)

Frog Exaggerator

Bears a close resemblance to the Monsterometer.  (Gleevin!)

The Flying Motorcycle

Invents the Flying Motorcycle and offers it to Bart which he turns down. (Blayvin!)
Bart eventually regrets his decision.  (Mlayvin!)

Frinkahedron

As Homer gets sucked into a budget-busting dimension, Professor Frink explains to Homer’s family where he is.  (Ooomgle-hayvin hey!)

Frinkiak 7 Computer

Clearly unaware of the One Laptop Per Child program.  (Gleevin!)

Debigulator

Uses this invention to shrink Lisa so she can mingle with the tiny people who worship her as their God.  (Eedle-blay!)
But when Lisa needs to return to normal size…(Hoyvin Mayvin!)

AT-5000 Auto-Dialer

This device was invented for the noble purpose of informing children about snow days.   Alas, it fell into the hands of Jimmy the Scumbag and eventually Homer, who would use it for evil deeds like telemarketing and money-scamming. (Gleeevin!)

Matter Transporter

Sold to Homer for 35 cents, the Matter Transporter transforms Bart into the human fly.  (With the screaming and the transporting!)

Intra Bovine Ice-Cream Maker

Frink makes use of Mootilda’s four stomachs to produce delicious ice cream.  (Oye-vin!)

Sarcasm Detector

And my personal favorite. ( Blim-hey!)

Honorable Professor Frink inventions include:

A Steam Powered Super Spider for the Civil War reenactment.

A chess-playing robot arm

Floyd the Robot

Mood Pants

Automatic Tap Dancing Shoes



10 Plumbing Expressions That Don’t Mean What You Think

Toilet.  Is there a sexier word out there?  I submit there is not.  There’s a reason why so many porno plots begin with a scantily clad, heavily make-upped, high-heeled damsel in distress, opening her front door to reveal every woman’s ultimate fantasy: the plumber.  Wearing nothing but his work boots and a tool belt, he takes her breath away as he heroically declares, “I’m hear to plunge your toilet.”

This could mean many, many things.  But it could also mean that he’s there to actually plunge her toilet.  Truth be told, Plumbing rivals Italian, French and Spanish when it comes to sexy languages.  In fact the next time a plumber is on his knees in your bathroom and up to his elbows in toilet water, carefully place your ear next to that  dark  beautiful crack above his jeans and what you will hear can only be described as the poetry of angels.  The following are terms and expressions from the plumber’s dictionary which will make your heart beat faster and your pants get tighter….which is extremely disgusting, because they have nothing to do with what your twisted, in-the-gutter brain has conjured up.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Sweating the pipe

Sweating the pipe is when you solder two pipe fittings together, so that water cannot leak out.

Wiggling the Snake

Also known as a “toilet jack,” a “closet auger” or an “electric eel,” the plumbing snake is a flexible auger used to unclog toilets that are beyond the help of a plunger.  It takes practice to learn how to wiggle it correctly.

Clamping the nipple

A nipple is a short piece of pipe, usually with male threading at both ends, and is used for attaching two different couplings or fittings.  Using a nipple wrench, you can clamp the nipple from the inside so that when you unscrew it from the attached fittings you won’t damage the threads.  I think my pipe just moved.

Snap-on cockhole cover

A cockhole cover is a round plate, used to cover unused faucet holes in your sink.

Inserting the male hose into the female fitting

Also referred to as “mating”.  In the world of plumbing, whether it’s a pipe, a hose or a fitting, anything with threading on the outside is considered male.  To be female is to wear your threading on the inside.  Male parts can only screw into female ones.

“I’ve been a screw my whole life but my real passion is writing”

Hardness leakage

Calcium and magnesium are the two minerals which make cause water hardness, and which produce a hard scale in piping, water heaters, steam irons, and pots and pans.  When hard water is passed through a bed of ion exchanger, the positively charged calcium and magnesium ions are replaced with sodium, and the water becomes softer.  Leftover traces of hardness in the mineral bed is known as hardness leakage.

Hitting the head

Not so much a plumbing term per say, but it still confused me the first time I heard someone say “I’m off to hit the head.”  I pictured a madman backhanding his junk, in some sort of weird disciplinary ritual where he’s yelling “Bad head! Bad head!”

Elongating the pipe

A short length of pipe installed between couplings or other fittings

Discharge head

Not the baby-making juice for dyslexics, discharge head is the difference in elevation between the liquid level of the discharge tank and the centerline of the pump. Also includes any additional pressure head that may be present at the discharge tank fluid surface.  Okay this one was a bit of a stretch, but we needed 10, and it had “discharge” and “head.”

Screwing the ballcock

The ballcock is the mechanism in your toilet tank that keeps the water levels normal and prevents overflowing.  When you flush the handle it pulls a chain which is attached to a valve, allowing water to drain.

Of course if you look up the word “plumbing” in the Urban Dictionary, you’ll discover that it means much more than just, plumbing!

10 Ridiculously Lazy Halloween Costumes

If you’re like me, forgetful and lazy, Halloween can be an annual pain in the ass. Despite the fact that every October, every drug store I pass looks like Dracula threw up all over it, I somehow manage to go 364 days not thinking about Halloween. Ever since I was a teen-aged zombie, and disapproving adults begrudgingly dropped miniature Coffee Crisps into my pillow case, scowling at me with that “Aren’t you too old to be Trick or Treating?” look in their eye, I was positive that my costuming days were over. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Read more »

Pimp My Pimp: Pimpiest Pimps in Pimpland

“When a hoe gets with a pimp, it ain’t no different than a Huxtable relationship.”
- Snooky Pimp

I don’t think truer words have ever been said.  I never could get through an episode of the Cosby Show without thoughts of prostitutes getting cold cocked by fleshmongers flowing through my brain.  “It’s Pimpageddon!” I would often cry out, as Cliff Huxtable massaged Claire’s tired lawyer feet.  Read more »

Human Mutations the X-Men Have No Use For

Whenever I see a blind person being led around by a seeing eye dog or someone without legs wheeling themselves around on a skateboard, I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude towards whatever or whomever the hell created me without any major physical disorder.  Can I still say “disorder?” Politically correct terms are evolving at such a fast pace that I’m probably still using words that became inappropriate back in August.  Anyhow, the point being that I’m grateful.  Well, it would always bother me when I’d be reading X-Men comics and certain mutants would consider their gifts a “curse,” wishing they could have been born normal.  Well the following are some existing human mutations they could have been born with, none of which would have attracted the attention of Professor X.  So if you happen to be a member of the X-Men and you’re reading this, stop your whining and be grateful.

Read more »