Yeah that’s right, bonobo monkeys.

Particularly in the last 2 years or so we’ve been bombarded with film trailers that got our little hearts beating faster, effectively getting us off the couch and into the theaters, only to have us walk out  2 hours later, pissed off and unable to believe they somehow managed to miss the mark YET AGAIN.  So how can we avoid this, sparing our wallets from financial strain and our souls from bitter disappointment?  The answers my friends are blowing in the wind.  Just replace “wind” with trailers, and replace “blowing” with…well just delete blowing.

Obviously there are trailers for movies so terrible that any person with active brain matter could confidently lean over to the person next to them and say “I will NEVER see that!”  But when trailers for major blockbusters are concerned, the hints that they might be giant stink bombs are a little more subtle.  The following are some clues on how to sift through the cinematic muck.

If the trailer voice guy sucks

On September 1, 2008, the film industry lost one of its most valuable commodities: Don Lafontaine, the voice for over 5,000 movie trailers.  While “Thunder Throat” is probably the last nickname you’d want your teenaged son to acquire in high school, LaFontaine’s voice dropped lower than his classmates’ testicles at an early age, earning him a lifetime’s worth of voiceover work and voice acting gigs.  But he’s most famous for introducing millions of movie goers to upcoming productions with the famous phrase “In a world where lizards could sing.”  Well, at least the “in a world” part.

Click here to view the embedded video.

As soon as LaFontaine’s words bellowed forth from theatre subwoofers, you knew the movie being previewed was going to kick ass.  His voice work for trailers was so good that stand up comic Pablo Francisco practically made a living of impersonating him.

Click here to view the embedded video.

So, whenever you hear a voice, trying desperately to be the voice, the movie is probably a piece of garbage.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now I realize that Don hasn’t voiced any trailers in over two years, due of course to his lack of life. But then again, I don’t think I’ve seen a decent film since ’08.  So there!  My logic is sound.

If the trailer shows you all the best parts

Have you ever watched a trailer and felt “Well, now I don’t need to see the movie.” A movie trailer lasts about 2 minutes, and yet some of them manage to give up all the goods for a film which lasts about 120.  You’re supposed to sell the sizzle, not run around slapping everyone in the face with the steak.  Here’s an example of a good preview for a good movie.  Remember, less is often more.  This preview starts with 3 seconds of blackness, before showing you a single image.  That’s balls.  They know what they’ve got, and they’re not afraid to make us wait.  In fact, over the course of the 120 second preview, 10 of those seconds are spent in total darkness, letting the viewer’s imagination run wild for a little bit.  It gives you very little information, showing you long camera pans of the city, a playing card on fire, and slow zooms of people doing nothing.  Tiny snippets of random disjointed conversations, an explosion here, a flipped truck there, just enough to get the saliva glands tingling.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now look at this trailer.

Click here to view the embedded video.

After watching the movie and being horribly disappointed, I went back and watched the trailer and understood why: I already knew everything that was going to happen before seeing the damned thing.  Everything in the trailer is in the exact chronological order as in the movie:

• Sam leaves Bumblebee and Megan Fox behind to go to school (idiot!!!)
• He gets infected by the AllSpark splinter and freaks out in class
• The Decepticons come to earth, destroying buildings and an aircraft carrier
• John Turturro has the answers and delivers the only good line in the entire movie
• The symbols lead everyone to the pyramids
• Megatron comes back!
• Optimus Prime gets his butt kicked
• Sam gets captured
• Autobots do battle with Decepticons
• Devastator sucks up the desert

Thanks guys.  You basically gave us all the punch lines, so we could spend 12 bucks + pop corn + drink to sit and watch the setups.

If the trailer features Nicholas Cage

That is all.

If the trailer for a comedy doesn’t make you laugh

I’ve always been a fan of the Whitest Kids U’ Know, but I was a bit nervous about whether or not they could sustain their funniness any longer than the 10 minute cut-off point of a YouTube clip.  Turns out my instincts were correct, because Miss March was an unbelievable pile of poop.  I shouldn’t have been surprised though, the trailer didn’t make me laugh once, not even that laugh where you quickly exhale through your nose and nod your head once or twice.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Year One was also a big disappointment. But how could this be?  The trailer was hilarious, made me laugh 3-4 times out loud, it featured an all-star comedy cast, the idea was fun and it even had Michael Cera completely painted in gold.  So where did I go wrong? Why didn’t I foresee the huge upset?  I went back and watched the preview again for any signs I might have missed, and sure enough, there it was, plain as day: lame preview guy voice.

Click here to view the embedded video.

If the trailer references other films

“It’s like The Matrix meets Big Mama.”  Whenever a film needs to compare itself to another film, chances are it’s going to be terrible.  The producers have so little faith in their own product they need to piggy back on the works of others.  A classic example is the trailer for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, a film whose name alone should have aroused our suspicions.  They spend the first half of the preview, reminding us of the first three Indy films!  Weak.

Click here to view the embedded video.

More clues to be wary of:

• If the trailer features a kid actor saying grownup things.
• If the words “from the director who brought you…” are followed by lame movie titles.
• If you haven’t seen a recognizable face in the first 10 seconds.
• If an actor who won an Oscar for “Best Supporting actor” is now the lead actor.
• If the name Wayans appears anywhere.  ANYWHERE.

In a world where comments are welcome…one man…one woman…two cocker spaniels… all should feel free to add their own clues on how to tell a movie will suck by watching the trailer.

Post from: McLoL.com

Film Trailer Giveaways That a Movie Will Suck

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The Whitest Kids U’ Know

Winners of the “Best Sketch Group” during HBO’s U.S. Comedy Arts Festival back in ’06, The Whitest Kids U’ Know have been splitting sides for over a decade now.  Trevor Moore, Sam Brown and Zach Cregger all met while attending the School of Visual Arts in New York, while Darren Trumeter and Timmy Williams would team up with the original trio soon after.  They have performed to sold out crowds all over New York city, they had and lost a television show with Fuse TV, which would later be picked up by IFC, and Trevor and Zach would eventually take their comedy to the silver screen with the film Miss March.  The Slow Jerk was my official introduction to these guys, and they made a fantastic first impression.

Click here to view the embedded video.

To see more WKUK you can visit their official website.

BriTANick

Brian McElhaney was an actor slash filmmaker from Atlanta. Nick Kocher was also an actor from Atlanta.  Friends from the same neck of the woods, it would not be until they were both attending New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts that they recognized their potential as a team, and would merge to form the sketch comedy robot known as BriTANick.  They both act, write, direct, and edit each sketch, with the help of their many talented friends when the need arises.  The following is the first video I ever saw from them, and I’ve been a fan ever since.

Click here to view the embedded video.

To see more BriTANick you can visit their official website.

Picnicface

This octo-troupe holds a special place in my heart as they are based right out of my backyard in Halifax, Nova Scotia.  Okay well, maybe not exactly in my backyard, I live in Montreal so my house would have to be the size of the moon to have its backyard in Halifax.  The point is they are Canadian and I’ve met some of them and they’re hilarious.  They’ve only been around for the last four years but they’ve been making ‘em laugh by the millions with their online sketches and live performances.  Most are familiar with their runaway Youtube hit Powerthirst, well here’s Powerthirst 3: Powermost.

Click here to view the embedded video.

To see more Picnicface you can visit their official website.

The Sketchersons

Some more homegrown talent from Toronto, Ontario, The Sketchersons have been nominated for best Sketch Troupe for the last five years in a row at the Canadian Comedy Awards, taking the trophy home in ’07.  A huge cast of improv actors, actor actors, and stand up comics, The Sketchersons are to sketch comedy what the Etch-a Sketch is to dial-drawings.  For the last six years the troupe have offered Torontonians knee-slapping laughter in the form of Sunday Night Live, a weekly sketch comedy show hosted by many of Canada’s funniest stand up comics.  Focusing most of their energies on live performances, the Sketchersons have less of an online presence as the other groups on this list, but if you want to hear Batman recite some soul-shattering poetry, check this s*** out!

Click here to view the embedded video.

To see more from The Sketchersons you can visit their official website or visit their MySpace videos page.

Derrick Comedy

Once again from New York University comes Dominic Dierkes, DC Pierson and Donald Glover.  Yes, we know what you’re thinking.  None of them is named Derrick.  We were also shocked to discover this disturbing fact, and we are here to tell you that there are no answers, only more questions.  But with over 30 videos on YouTube, most of which breaking the million mark, there is no doubt these guys deliver the comedic goods.  It was very difficult to choose one of my favorites, so once again I will go with the first clip I ever saw from these non-Derricks.

Click here to view the embedded video.

To see more Derrick Comedy you can visit their official website.

POYKPAC

All the way from Albuquerque, New Mexico comes Ryan Hall, Ryan Hunter, Taige Jensen, Jennifer Lyon, and Maggie Ross.  Actually, they’re from Brooklyn, but we thought it would be more interesting to say they were from a place with at least two “q”s in its name.  They easily have my favorite troupe name on this list, POYKPAC, the acronym for Pictures of Your Kids Pooping and Crying.  They are probably best known for their 15-episode web series on the Independent Film Channel called “Good Morning Internet,” or their YouTube videos Hipster Olympics, Mario Game Over, or Voice Talkers.  Whatever the case, their videos are well thought out, brilliantly executed and above all else, hilarious.  There is “thinking outside the box” and then there’s “moving to a far away country where boxes haven’t been invented yet,” a fact which makes the following clip one of my favourites.

Click here to view the embedded video.

To see more POYKPAC you can visit their official website.

Post from: McLoL.com

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On the one hand, you have those whose hearts are filled to the brim with hope and love, whose eyes glaze over with tears of pride and compassion whenever a Special Olympic athlete crosses the finish line, even if the aforementioned athlete wasn’t competing in a race of any kind.  To these people the human spirit is something to be cherished, and they would (if they could), personally escort anyone making fun of the Special Olympics into the deepest bowels of hell.

And then pee on them.

On the other, you have those who shed a very different kind of tear.  Simply hearing the words will cause them to react like the child who’s being sat on by his older brother, while his sister tickles the naked bottoms of his feet with an ever so delicate feather.  The laughter is instant, uncontrollable, and guaranteed to cause abdominal tearing unless the feather is removed by changing topics.  The hilarity produced during these games has the elemental force of an erupting volcano, and any attempts to cap the subsequent laughter would cause severe internal damage, potentially pushing organs and liquids out  the other end.  To these people, NOT laughing at the Special Olympics would be, unnatural.

When President Barack Obama mentioned that his bowling skills were of Special Olympic caliber on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, the White House issued a statement of apology before the show even hit the air, and the President himself called the Special Olympics chairman to apologize, where he invited Special Olympic athletes to bowl or play basketball in the White House.  The following is a list of people who’ve been able to joke about the Special Olympics without being forced to apologize publicly, or to fill their homes with handicapable athletes.

South Park

Yes we know that South Park is not technically a “people,” but for the sake of a nice listy-sounding title, we are including television shows and movies in the people category.

So back up off us son!

Written by Trey “I don’t give a **** what people think” Parker, Up the Down Steroid made its appearance during South Park’s 8th season.  It features Jimmy getting hooked on steroids, an emotionally distressed Timmy, and of course Eric Cartman, the little boy who sold his soul for a helmet and a shot at the Special Olympics championship.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Family Guy

Ready, Willing and Disabled made its wheelchair-wheeling appearance during Family Guy’s 3rd season, and it also involves the use steroids to gain that necessary competitive edge during the “Special People’s Games.”  The writers over at Family Guy are clearly not subscribers to “Political Correctness Weekly,” otherwise they would have known that it should be called the “People Who Are Special Games.”  They are people first, special second.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Stephen Lynch

Here we have the first actual “person” on the list.  Stephen Lynch displayed an early interest in special people when he wrote the song “Special,” featured on the album titled “A Little Bit Special.”  It’s the story of a boy who after being dropped on his head, went around thinking he was a piece of bread.  His love for the special continued, making this video the first thing to pop up when you type “Special Olympics” into YouTube, beating out the actual Special Olympics.

Click here to view the embedded video.

David Crowe

Remember the two types of people discussed earlier?  Well, after watching this clip I laughed out loud, at which point the girl sitting next to me in the coffee shop asked “What’s so funny?”  After I told her she shook her head and called me an ***hole.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Ringer

Click here to view the embedded video.

According to producers of the Farrelly brother variety, one of the reasons this film was given the green light by the Special Olympics committee was that “You’re not laughing at them. You’re really laughing with them. There are a lot of jokes in this movie, and they’re in on them all.”  And therein lies the secret.  The only way to bridge the gap between the people with sympathy and compassion, and the apathetic pointers-and-laughers, is to build that bridge out of special people, and to make damn sure that they are laughing at the same time as you.

If anyone needs a lift, I’m on my way to hell right now, and there’s plenty of room in this handbasket.

Post from: McLoL.com

5 People Who Got Away With Jokes About the Special Olympics

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Hamburger Earmuffs

If you think inventing the Hamburger Earmuffs was easy you’d be GLAYVENLY wrong.  The dear professor had problems like “the pickle matrix” to contend with, something Homer didn’t think of when he tried to steal Frink’s invention.

Death Ray

Invents a Ray of Death, it’s still in the Ray of Warmth phase, hopes that grandpa will invest.  (mm-hey!)

Gamble-Tron 2000

The Gamble-Tron 2000 was invented to predict the outcome of football games, and made its appearance during Lisa the Greekthe episode where Homer discovers Lisa’s sport betting skills.  How accurate are the GT-2000’s predictions? (Hoyvin!)

Radio Controlled Aeroplane for Babies

Thanks to the Frinkster, Apu could potentially command his very own squadron of flying babies. (Blayvin!)

Robo Bear

As Burns descends into the bowels of a deep depression over the loss of his teddy bear BoBo, Professor Frink introduces him to Robo, the robot bear.  (Hmm-blay!)

Run-Away House

Upon detecting any burgle-esque activities, the Run-Away House will do just that: It will stand up on electronic legs and go running down the street, whereupon it would trip and fall, spontaneously combust, setting all humans inside on fire. (Hm-hey!)

The 77X42

Not to be confused with the 77X43, Frinky invents the sourest sour ball ever.  (Voyvin!)

Frog Exaggerator

Bears a close resemblance to the Monsterometer.  (Gleevin!)

The Flying Motorcycle

Invents the Flying Motorcycle and offers it to Bart which he turns down. (Blayvin!)
Bart eventually regrets his decision.  (Mlayvin!)

Frinkahedron

As Homer gets sucked into a budget-busting dimension, Professor Frink explains to Homer’s family where he is.  (Ooomgle-hayvin hey!)

Frinkiak 7 Computer

Clearly unaware of the One Laptop Per Child program.  (Gleevin!)

Debigulator

Uses this invention to shrink Lisa so she can mingle with the tiny people who worship her as their God.  (Eedle-blay!)
But when Lisa needs to return to normal size…(Hoyvin Mayvin!)

AT-5000 Auto-Dialer

This device was invented for the noble purpose of informing children about snow days.   Alas, it fell into the hands of Jimmy the Scumbag and eventually Homer, who would use it for evil deeds like telemarketing and money-scamming. (Gleeevin!)

Matter Transporter

Sold to Homer for 35 cents, the Matter Transporter transforms Bart into the human fly.  (With the screaming and the transporting!)

Intra Bovine Ice-Cream Maker

Frink makes use of Mootilda’s four stomachs to produce delicious ice cream.  (Oye-vin!)

Sarcasm Detector

And my personal favorite. ( Blim-hey!)

Honorable Professor Frink inventions include:

A Steam Powered Super Spider for the Civil War reenactment.

A chess-playing robot arm

Floyd the Robot

Mood Pants

Automatic Tap Dancing Shoes



Post from: McLoL.com

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This could mean many, many things.  But it could also mean that he’s there to actually plunge her toilet.  Truth be told, Plumbing rivals Italian, French and Spanish when it comes to sexy languages.  In fact the next time a plumber is on his knees in your bathroom and up to his elbows in toilet water, carefully place your ear next to that  dark  beautiful crack above his jeans and what you will hear can only be described as the poetry of angels.  The following are terms and expressions from the plumber’s dictionary which will make your heart beat faster and your pants get tighter….which is extremely disgusting, because they have nothing to do with what your twisted, in-the-gutter brain has conjured up.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Sweating the pipe

Sweating the pipe is when you solder two pipe fittings together, so that water cannot leak out.

Wiggling the Snake

Also known as a “toilet jack,” a “closet auger” or an “electric eel,” the plumbing snake is a flexible auger used to unclog toilets that are beyond the help of a plunger.  It takes practice to learn how to wiggle it correctly.

Clamping the nipple

A nipple is a short piece of pipe, usually with male threading at both ends, and is used for attaching two different couplings or fittings.  Using a nipple wrench, you can clamp the nipple from the inside so that when you unscrew it from the attached fittings you won’t damage the threads.  I think my pipe just moved.

Snap-on cockhole cover

A cockhole cover is a round plate, used to cover unused faucet holes in your sink.

Inserting the male hose into the female fitting

Also referred to as “mating”.  In the world of plumbing, whether it’s a pipe, a hose or a fitting, anything with threading on the outside is considered male.  To be female is to wear your threading on the inside.  Male parts can only screw into female ones.

“I’ve been a screw my whole life but my real passion is writing”

Hardness leakage

Calcium and magnesium are the two minerals which make cause water hardness, and which produce a hard scale in piping, water heaters, steam irons, and pots and pans.  When hard water is passed through a bed of ion exchanger, the positively charged calcium and magnesium ions are replaced with sodium, and the water becomes softer.  Leftover traces of hardness in the mineral bed is known as hardness leakage.

Hitting the head

Not so much a plumbing term per say, but it still confused me the first time I heard someone say “I’m off to hit the head.”  I pictured a madman backhanding his junk, in some sort of weird disciplinary ritual where he’s yelling “Bad head! Bad head!”

Elongating the pipe

A short length of pipe installed between couplings or other fittings

Discharge head

Not the baby-making juice for dyslexics, discharge head is the difference in elevation between the liquid level of the discharge tank and the centerline of the pump. Also includes any additional pressure head that may be present at the discharge tank fluid surface.  Okay this one was a bit of a stretch, but we needed 10, and it had “discharge” and “head.”

Screwing the ballcock

The ballcock is the mechanism in your toilet tank that keeps the water levels normal and prevents overflowing.  When you flush the handle it pulls a chain which is attached to a valve, allowing water to drain.

Of course if you look up the word “plumbing” in the Urban Dictionary, you’ll discover that it means much more than just, plumbing!

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Every year, as soon as the first jack-o-lanterned garbage bag is stuffed with fallen leaves, the invitations for Halloween costume parties start going out. Every year people ask me the same dreaded question: “What are you dressing up as?” And every year I give the same answer: “Who knows?” I pretend I don’t care, teasing them for their dorky costume ideas. When suddenly the 31st rolls around. I’m standing alone in my underwear with half a dozen party invitations in my hand, realizing only too late, that I really do care. I wanna dress up and party. Every year I spend Halloween day wishing I’d spent more than 30 seconds on a costume. So finally I’ve created a list of costumes for lazy forgetful folks like me, costumes which cost zero dollars to purchase, and even less thought to put together. Don’t get stuck at home alone because you don’t have a costume, and don’t go out wearing lame costumes like “The Undercover Cop” or the “Secret Shopper.” Bust into those Halloween parties with pride, wearing the laziest costumes the human mind could possibly conceive.

Storm Shadow meets Islam

Perfect for men and women alike, this costume is very versatile as you can go to parties as either a Muslim or a Ninja. Cloaked in mystery, you can even switch from one to the other as the party progresses, creating a general sense of confusion amongst fellow party goers: “Who’s the ninja?” “That’s not a ninja you fool, that’s a burka!”

The Tom Selleck

Similar to the Ninja/Burka face mask, the Tom Selleck is extremely versatile and can easily transform into the Burt Reynolds, the Sean Connery, the Borat, or even into the Ron Jeremy, depending on how kinky the party is. For those with longer fingers you can even curl the moustache to create the Sam Elliott.

Any animal with antlers

An incredible feature with this costume is that you don’t actually have to speak to anyone during the party. You might have to spend some time learning the intricate sounds made by deer or moose, but then again probably not. You could just invent your own sounds as most people have no idea what a deer or moose sounds like.

Time travel is your greatest ally when it comes to inventing last second, unbelievably lazy costume ideas.

You, but from yesterday

This is my personal favourite, because not only do you not have to dress up, but you don’t even have to change your outfit from the day before.

You from the future

This costume will require some explanation, as you’ll have to tell people that you are in fact from the future, and in the future no one wears costumes.

You from the present

Okay, I agree that this one is a bit of a stretch. But you can pull it off by saying things like “I’m an older and wiser version of me from last year,” or “I’m someone who’s in slightly worse physical shape than I was last year.” This is probably the riskiest of the lazy costumes, and people who spent hours on their Heath Ledger “Joker” makeup will resent you.

Sleepy Time You

This is probably the laziest of the lazy costumes. You basically show up to the party, grab a comfortable seat on the couch, and close your eyes. The bonus feature to this outfit is that if you remain committed to the sleeper pose, there’s a 99.9% chance that drunk people will create a costume for you using lipstick, duct tape, and your face.

The Dr. Zoidberg

By blocking one of your nostrils to create your face tentacles, you’re half way to perfecting the Yiddish accent required to pull off Dr. Zoidburg from Futurama. Try practicing sentences like “How am I going to get rid of my male jelly now?” or “Are you suffering from internal parasites?” and you should be off to the races.

The Universal Soldier

Bet you thought you’d pushed this movie so far down into your subconscious that you’d never have to think of Jean-Claude Van Damme as a mind controlled supersoldier ever again. Well its back, ‘cause the Universal Soldier is the perfect lazy-person’s costume, complete with microphone, earpiece and sophisticated eyeball technology. The only downfall to this costume occurs when you have to break character to sip your martinis.

The Sea Captain

A pretty straightforward costume, you can make things more exciting by twisting and adjusting your telescope. Throw in a couple “Yars!” and “Vast ye maties!” and you’ll be the hit of the party

Binocular Man

(Consult your physician before attempting this costume)

The more astute among you may have noticed that we had to switch models for this one. Our original was rushed to the emergency room, suffering from severe joint and tendon damage while attempting to wear this outfit.

So there you have it folks, the lazy-person’s guide to sneaking into costume parties without drawing too much attention to the fact that you really didn’t care about Halloween until about six minutes ago. For obvious reasons we don’t have the picture to go with the best costume of them all, but for those of you who really want to leave a lasting impression with an outfit that no one will ever forget, show up to your next Halloween party as the Emperor from the fairy tale The Emperor’s New Clothes.

Happy Halloween!

Post from: McLoL.com

10 Ridiculously Lazy Halloween Costumes

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“When a hoe gets with a pimp, it ain’t no different than a Huxtable relationship.”
- Snooky Pimp

I don’t think truer words have ever been said.  I never could get through an episode of the Cosby Show without thoughts of prostitutes getting cold cocked by fleshmongers flowing through my brain.  “It’s Pimpageddon!” I would often cry out, as Cliff Huxtable massaged Claire’s tired lawyer feet. 

Now, no one’s arguing that Bill Cosby didn’t play a fantastic pimp on television, especially during that whole “pimping out the darndest things kids say for cold hard cash” phase, but I’d like to submit my humble list of favourite celebrity pimps.  It’s rare that an article needs a soundtrack, but I highly recommend reading this one with Big Pimpin’ by Jay Z in the background.

Fly Guy

Click here to view the embedded video.

Arguably the last funny film to have the name Wayans attached to it, I’m Gonna Git You Sucka features one the greatest pimps to have graced the silver screen.  Not only was this playa skilled in the arts of hoe management, but when you peeled away the gold and the leopard print velvet, deep down he was an artist.  He demonstrated his sensitivity at the Pimp of the Year Awards, with poetry that could make the gods weep:

My Bitch Better Have My Money

My bitch better have my money,
Through rain, sleet or snow.
My hoe better have my money,
not half, not some, but all my cash.
Because if she don’t,
I’m a put my foot, dead in her ass.

Snoop Dogg

Since strutting onto the scene with his revolutionary debut album in 1993, Snoop Dog brought pimpin’ back with a vengeance. As the silky smooth rhymes and head-boppin’ beats of Doggystyle pumped forth from every car stereo system across the country, black and white teenagers alike could be seen cruising the streets, clouds of smoke billowing from the windows of their traveling hot boxes, all chanting those timeless pimp lyrics: G’s up hoe’s down while you motherf**ers bounce to this.

To see Snoop at his “pimpiest,” sitting as the head of the Pimp Legion of Doom, complete with pimp curls and pimp teeth, check him out at 1:30 in 50 Cent’s video for P.I.M.P.

Silky Johnson

One of the many legendary comedy skits to spew forth from the Chappelle Show, the Playa Hater’s Ball featured some of television’s finest pimps.   From the stylings of Ice-T as himself, along with Buc Nasty, Pit Bull, Beautiful and Mr. Roboto, you had more pimps than you could have shaken a pimp cane at.  But none could top the 2002 Player Hater of the Year, played by none other than Chappelle himself, Silky Johnson.

“The playa haters ball, gives an opportunity to hate on a diverse array of mark-ass marks, trick-ass marks, punk bitches and skip-skop skanks and scallywags. Hoes, heffers, hee-has and hooley-hoos.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Pimp Puppets

Pimping knows no boundaries.  It cuts across sex, race, and even into the realm of the stuffed.  Pimp puppetry, or Pimpetry has proven that even with a human hand shoved elbow deep up your poop chute, you can still keep a scallywag in her place.

Statler and Waldorf

This pair of hecklers would certainly make the most hilarious pimps, if only for their relentless destruction of a hoe’s self-esteem.

Statler:  Hey Suzan, a Jon is offering top dollar to pee on our most beautiful skank.
Suzan:  Really?  So you think I’m the most beautiful?
Waldorf: No, but his brother will pay 50 bucks to have a poodle lick peanut butter off his balls.
Statler & Waldorf:  Ohhh ho ho ho ho ho!

I’m going to hell.

Elmo

Sick and tired of being tickled, Elmo becomes a self-proclaimed Pimpaholic.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Counting Pimp

While Sesame Street taught little kids how to count, I would have never put two and two together about the Count had it not been for this bit from one of Dave Chappelle’s comedy specials:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Pimpin Snooky

From the documentary “Pimps Up, Hoe’s Down” comes Pimpy McPimperson himself.  From his naked lady gold ring statue, to his comparing a pimp/hoe relationship to that of the Huxtables, Pimpin Snooky knows how to “take the bitches to the concrete.”  A fun drinking game to play while watching this video is to take a sip of whiskey everytime Snooky says “know what I’m sayin’?”

Click here to view the embedded video.

On second thought, don’t play that drinking game, I nearly died from alcohol poisoning by 1:37.

And the winner goes to…

In 1975, comedian, actor, musician, and film producer Rudy Ray Moore gave to the world Dolemite. Based on his stand up comedy alter ego, Dolemite was a rhymin’, machine gunnin’,  kung fu kickin’, hoe bangin’ ass whoopin’ pimp.  Long before Samuel Jackson made his first movie appearance, Dolamite had already elevated the word “muthafucka” to new and exciting levels.  And as much as I can’t stand the overused writer’s cliché, Dolamite was truly and literaly, a warrior poet.  Now you’ll finally understand what the hell Snoop was talking about in Nuthin’ but a “G” Thang when he says:

Showin’ much flex when it’s time to wreck a mic
Pimpin’ hoes and clockin’ a grip like my name was Dolemite

Click here to view the embedded video.

Feel free to submit your contenders for the World’s Pimpiest Pimp.

Please note: This author does not condone violence towards women in any way shape or form…well, unless of course she’s a hoe who hasn’t paid her pimp all his money, in which case she deserves a pimp slap.

Post from: McLoL.com

Pimp My Pimp: Pimpiest Pimps in Pimpland

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Mermaid Syndrome

Approximately 1 out of every 100,000 babies are born with their legs fused together as a result of the congenital deformity known as Sirenomelia.  Of course we know what you’re probably thinking:  that’s enough babies to create your very own army of super-swimming mer-people.  And while we applaud your creativity, we are utterly disgusted with your incredible insensitivity in this matter.  You should be aware that there are very few survivors of the mutation.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Most infants with Sirenomelia don’t make it past day one.  If this fact depresses you, go rent The Little Mermaid.  You’ll be singing “Under the Sea” in no time.

Arnold Syndrome

This bone mutation would make hiding valuable items between your shoulders relatively easy:  “Nuclear bomb detonator, what nuclear bomb detonator?”  But a bird from high enough in the sky could poop on your head and cause brain damage.  The one with true value to the X-Men in this story would be Arnold himself, who’s ability to acquire wives and pass his mutation on to a thousand descendants could be useful.  He could seduce enemies like Mystique, producing shape-shifting offspring with missing clavicles and holes in their heads.  Kids will point and laugh at these freaky children, giving them low self-esteem and eating disorders.  The therapist bills alone will surely annoy the hell out of Mystique.  Mission accomplished.

Dwarfism/Gigantism

Even though we’re huge fans of Lord of the Rings and the NBA, and we’re fully aware of the incredible feats both tiny and giant people are capable of, we’re still going to include size-ism on the list of mutations the X-Men couldn’t capitalize on. The size of a human is largely determined by the amount of growth hormones secreted by the pituitary gland. A defect in the gland can trigger either too much hormone in the body or not enough. When you’re a giant, all your organs are working overtime to accommodate your huge body, and it becomes difficult to develop the strength and agility needed to do battle with the likes of Sabretooth, and you would also lack the teleportation skills, the ability to manipulate the atomic structure of your body, and the immortal qualities necessary to last more than a micro-millisecond in the same room as Apocalypse. Of course this is an extreme example. Most X-Men themselves don’t stand a chance against Apocalypse, but their mutations would in some way help them escape. Perhaps if you were tiny you could hide from your foes. But let’s face it, unless you have the magic of wizards, elves, and an army of men to protect you, you’re getting drop kicked into outer space.

Scrotal Elephantiasis

Known for their size, strength, tough hides and increased memory capabilities, you’d think anyone whose mutation begins with the prefix “elephant” would be a welcome member of the team. Unfortunately the disease (which is commonly mispronounced Elephantitis) blocks the lymphatic vessels, which in turn causes severe thickening of the skin in the legs and genitals. This would make running, jumping, roundhouse kicking and other superhero-related movements impossible. If secondary symptoms of the disease included super-memory and giant facial tusks, then maybe they could be used as bouncers who stand around menacingly, remembering stuff. But they don’t. In severe cases, the male scrotum can inflate to the size of a pumpkin, which would be a nightmare for whoever’s in charge of making X-Men uniforms.

Rubber Lip..ism?

Awesome at parties, but other than being able to carry extra hand grenades, fairly useless on the battlefield.

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Tree Man

Dede Kosawa came close, but as the saying goes, we cannot bequeath a cigar unto him. Despite the fact that his nickname already possesses the superhero quality of having “man” at the end, and the fact that his mutation would distract enemies by causing them to throw up into nearby bushes, Tree man would be of little use to Professor X and the gang.  The warts which cover his arms and legs have sprouted into long brownish branches….brb….sorry, had to vomit into a recycling bin.  These branches do not give him super gripping abilities or throwing strength like the Ents from LOTR.  In fact the tree growths on his arms alone have added an extra 12 pounds to his 100-pound body….brb….making him very tired after short walks.

Cyclopia

Scott Summers should consider himself lucky that his eyeballs shoot lasers, because if he were a true cyclops, he’d be on display in a museum in a jar.  Cyclopia is an extremely rare congenital abnormality and is caused when the embryonic forebrain fails to subdivide properly.  As a result, the brain fails to divide the orbits of the eyes into two cavities, and fails to develop a proper nose.  The baby is then born with one eye, no nose, or a tube-shaped nose above the eye.  Most babies don’t survive (if this makes you sad, see Mermaid Syndrome for tips on how to cheer you up), making it very difficult to determine if their eye can shoot lasers.

Post from: McLoL.com

Human Mutations the X-Men Have No Use For

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