mcLOL.com» Tom

People we no longer have to interact with thanks to technology

Tom — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:00:51 +0000

There are people today who condemn society for how cut off we’ve become from each other; too many machines, they say, people don’t talk anymore. But the way I see it, technology has just allowed us to cut all of the useless people who needlessly ruin our day out of the picture. Unfortunately we’ll always have to tell Vancouver taxi drivers where to go, but here’s a tribute to the charming people we no longer have to interact with thanks to technology.

Angry Bank Teller

Some might mourn the loss of the days when you would wait in line at the bank, chatting with the other customers in anticipation of being served by your “friendly” bank teller. To those people, I ask, do you also miss being on the wrong end of some surly teller’s bad day? Sure, Angry Bank Teller hasn’t had the best day either but that doesn’t mean he gets to take it out on you. Judging by how many countries were simultaneously trying to invent the technology for ATM’s, it’s clear that people have been trying to break up with the bank teller for quite some time.

The first automatic teller machine first appeared in 1972 in the United Kingdom. As of August 2006 it was estimated that there were 1.5 million in use. You can now find them in cruise ships, on U.S. Navy Battle cruisers, and as high up as Nagchu County, Tibet. The wide scale adoption of this technology has freed us from the bank-line bottle neck and the weary, judging stare of the person between you and your money.
These days, thanks to technology, you never again have to endure the anger of a frustrated bank employee. Heck, even the ATM has become obsolete. You can shift your money from home by way of online banking, order that pizza and pay with plastic when your food arrives. This future in now and it is beautiful.

The Absent-minded Waitress

How many times have you sat there in a restaurant, getting the worst service of your life and thought to yourself, “It’s not hard! A machine could do it!” Well, your prayers have been answered. Enter the automated restaurant.

People have been trying to cut wait staff out of the picture for ages. Japan’s conveyor belt sushi craze in the 1970s almost did it. Sushi chefs would make fresh sushi and set it on a conveyor belt that would travel the length of the restaurant, where the clients would grab whatever they wanted. Unfortunately, patrons still needed a waiter if they wanted something specific.

The first fully automated restaurant opened in Germany in 2007. Instead of an inattentive, bubbled headed waiter or waitress that can’t even get water right, the customer just plugs their order into a touch screen computer and food is brought directly to tables by gravity operated ramps.

Since this breakthrough, automated ordering has caught on all over the world. In London one restaurant installed a touch sensitive computer system that projects the menu, a picture of the meal you’re going to order and a host of other things on the table. It’s only a matter of time before you never have to tip for bad service again.

The Penny Woman and the Surly Teen Clerk

You’re standing in the checkout line at the grocery store. You can feel your blood pressure rising as the apathetic, acne-faced checkout clerk slowly counts their way through the mountain of pennies the old woman in front of you has dropped on the conveyor belt. You momentarily contemplate committing seppuku before you remember that you live in the 21st century, self-checkout exists and you never have to deal with these people ever again.

Since 2003 when the installation of these little wonders became ubiquitous, people have had the option to go it alone in the grocery store. You can revel in the feeling of privacy these little machines provide while you buy your giant box of condoms, tube of lubricant and suggestive magazines and bask in the knowledge that you, the penny woman and that judgmental teenager won’t be seeing each other any time soon.

The Persistent Telemarketer

Wait, you might say, didn’t technology doom us to this life of being called in the middle of dinner or when you’ve just gotten into a bath? Wasn’t it responsible for cursing us with unending offers to improve our cell phone plans? Well, yes and no.

Technology created the world of telemarketers, but in 1988 it also gave us call display and more recently the “no-call” list. They may have the auto dialer, but they need you to pick up the phone to bother you and if their call is coming from a 1-866 number it’s just not going to happen.

In the past, these vultures capitalized on the fact that you didn’t know if the phone call coming in was from the hospital telling you that your dad had been in an accident or maybe Ed McMahon telling you that you were the next winner. You would pick up just to know and—ah ha!—they had you.

These days you know exactly who’s calling you. The power is in your hands. Even better, the fantastic invention of call display and cell phone plans now enables you to dodge those people in your life who “reach out and touch you” a little too often. Let’s be honest, you don’t need to talk to your mother-in-law three times a day.

The Judgmental Ticket Attendant

There’s no such thing as bad taste, but try telling that to the ticket attendant sitting on the other side of the glass, staring you down just because you need to see how bad the new Uwe Boll movie really is. It’s your money and your time and you should be able to spend them without feeling bad about yourself. And today you can.

The technology behind automated ticket machines is really just an extension of the stuff used in automatic bank machines. Change the software a little, add a touch screen and voila! Now you can indulge in even your most embarrassing music or movie pleasures without the extra helping of shame. No one will judge you for wearing sweat pants to a movie (it’s not like the actors can see) or your penchant for 80s cock-rock anymore.

Included in this category are the parking attendants who pass judgment on your old, ugly, but serviceable car.

The Ignorant Secretary

People moan about automated call answering services. Why should I press 1 to be served in English? Then you have to listen to a long menu of options. Well, to those asking this question, perhaps it’s been a while since you had a run-in with the Ignorant Secretary.

She’s the one with the nasal voice, who isn’t really listening to what you’re asking, but even if she were, she wouldn’t know how to answer your question anyways. When you get upset because she doesn’t know simple things like the office hours or some scheduling detail she gets angry because you are being rude.

It’s been a while since most of us had to deal with this person, and so many have come to hate the slow efficiency of the automated answering service. But as much as you loath waiting through a list of touch tone options and the lack of human contact, at least the answering service always has the right answer and it never gets angry with you.

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Most Ridiculous Taser Headlines

Tom — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 17:16:49 +0000

Seems like you can’t watch the news anymore without hearing about a police brutality story. Everyone wants to hear about the latest oppressive flying elbows delivered by the law to the skulls of the innocent. In that spirit I’ve compiled a list of the most hilarious and incredible Taser headlines I could find.

These are real headlines from local and national news agencies from across the western world. Enjoy.

mcLOL.com» Tom

People we no longer have to interact with thanks to technology

Angry Bank Teller

The Absent-minded Waitress

The Penny Woman and the Surly Teen Clerk

The Persistent Telemarketer

The Judgmental Ticket Attendant

The Ignorant Secretary

Most Ridiculous Taser Headlines

Man bursts into flames after Taser shock

Police Sodomize Man with Taser

Sixth Grader Tasered At Middle School

Family Outraged After Officer Tasers then Shoots Their Puppy

Police Taser Great-Grandmother During Traffic Stop

Police zap 89-year old pensioner with taser gun

Hawthorne police review use of Taser on middle school student

Police use Taser on fake cougar

Police Taser Pastor in Church Parking Lot and pepper-spray congregation

Pregnant mother tasered at baptism party

High school student who wouldn’t stop using cell phone Tasered

Cops taser pallbearer carrying dad’s casket

Policeman hits Epileptic New Mexican girl in head with Taser

56-Year Old Wheelchair-Bound Woman Dies After Being Shocked With Taser 10 Times

Deputies use Taser to subdue autistic boy who was running in traffic

Man Arrested and Tasered While Having Epileptic Seizure

Florida policewoman Tasers female shopper for yelling at her

Cops Taser an Unarmed and Scared Mentally Handicap Woman into Submission

Cop Accidentally Tasers Himself While Arresting Suspect

Michigan police taser newlyweds during wedding reception

Church Song goes wrong

Dramatic Cupcake Dog

Who your friends really are

Toilet Prank In Woman’s Bathroom

Thumb Man

Sharkgull

Dumb Crook – Liquor Store Burglar

How to save someone from burning building