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People we no longer have to interact with thanks to technology

There are people today who condemn society for how cut off we’ve become from each other; too many machines, they say, people don’t talk anymore. But the way I see it, technology has just allowed us to cut all of the useless people who needlessly ruin our day out of the picture. Here’s a tribute to the charming people we no longer have to interact with thanks to technology.

Angry Bank Teller

Some might mourn the loss of the days when you would wait in line at the bank, chatting with the other customers in anticipation of being served by your “friendly” bank teller. To those people, I ask, do you also miss being on the wrong end of some surly teller’s bad day? Sure, Angry Bank Teller hasn’t had the best day either but that doesn’t mean he gets to take it out on you. Judging by how many countries were simultaneously trying to invent the technology for ATM’s, it’s clear that people have been trying to break up with the bank teller for quite some time.

The first automatic teller machine first appeared in 1972 in the United Kingdom. As of August 2006 it was estimated that there were 1.5 million in use. You can now find them in cruise ships, on U.S. Navy Battle cruisers, and as high up as Nagchu County, Tibet. The wide scale adoption of this technology has freed us from the bank-line bottle neck and the weary, judging stare of the person between you and your money.
These days, thanks to technology, you never again have to endure the anger of a frustrated bank employee. Heck, even the ATM has become obsolete. You can shift your money from home by way of online banking, order that pizza and pay with plastic when your food arrives. This future in now and it is beautiful.

The Absent-minded Waitress

How many times have you sat there in a restaurant, getting the worst service of your life and thought to yourself, “It’s not hard! A machine could do it!” Well, your prayers have been answered. Enter the automated restaurant.

People have been trying to cut wait staff out of the picture for ages. Japan’s conveyor belt sushi craze in the 1970s almost did it. Sushi chefs would make fresh sushi and set it on a conveyor belt that would travel the length of the restaurant, where the clients would grab whatever they wanted. Unfortunately, patrons still needed a waiter if they wanted something specific.

The first fully automated restaurant opened in Germany in 2007. Instead of an inattentive, bubbled headed waiter or waitress that can’t even get water right, the customer just plugs their order into a touch screen computer and food is brought directly to tables by gravity operated ramps.

Since this breakthrough, automated ordering has caught on all over the world. In London one restaurant installed a touch sensitive computer system that projects the menu, a picture of the meal you’re going to order and a host of other things on the table. It’s only a matter of time before you never have to tip for bad service again.

The Penny Woman and the Surly Teen Clerk

You’re standing in the checkout line at the grocery store. You can feel your blood pressure rising as the apathetic, acne-faced checkout clerk slowly counts their way through the mountain of pennies the old woman in front of you has dropped on the conveyor belt. You momentarily contemplate committing seppuku before you remember that you live in the 21st century, self-checkout exists and you never have to deal with these people ever again.

Since 2003 when the installation of these little wonders became ubiquitous, people have had the option to go it alone in the grocery store. You can revel in the feeling of privacy these little machines provide while you buy your giant box of condoms, tube of lubricant and suggestive magazines and bask in the knowledge that you, the penny woman and that judgmental teenager won’t be seeing each other any time soon.

The Persistent Telemarketer

Wait, you might say, didn’t technology doom us to this life of being called in the middle of dinner or when you’ve just gotten into a bath? Wasn’t it responsible for cursing us with unending offers to improve our cell phone plans? Well, yes and no.

Technology created the world of telemarketers, but in 1988 it also gave us call display and more recently the “no-call” list. They may have the auto dialer, but they need you to pick up the phone to bother you and if their call is coming from a 1-866 number it’s just not going to happen.

In the past, these vultures capitalized on the fact that you didn’t know if the phone call coming in was from the hospital telling you that your dad had been in an accident or maybe Ed McMahon telling you that you were the next winner. You would pick up just to know and—ah ha!—they had you.

These days you know exactly who’s calling you. The power is in your hands. Even better, the fantastic invention of call display now enables you to dodge those people in your life who “reach out and touch you” a little too often. Let’s be honest, you don’t need to talk to your mother-in-law three times a day.

The Judgmental Ticket Attendant

There’s no such thing as bad taste, but try telling that to the ticket attendant sitting on the other side of the glass, staring you down just because you need to see how bad the new Uwe Boll movie really is. It’s your money and your time and you should be able to spend them without feeling bad about yourself. And today you can.

The technology behind automated ticket machines is really just an extension of the stuff used in automatic bank machines. Change the software a little, add a touch screen and voila! Now you can indulge in even your most embarrassing music or movie pleasures without the extra helping of shame. No one will judge you for wearing sweat pants to a movie (it’s not like the actors can see) or your penchant for 80s cock-rock anymore.

Included in this category are the parking attendants who pass judgment on your old, ugly, but serviceable car.

The Ignorant Secretary

People moan about automated call answering services. Why should I press 1 to be served in English? Then you have to listen to a long menu of options. Well, to those asking this question, perhaps it’s been a while since you had a run-in with the Ignorant Secretary.

She’s the one with the nasal voice, who isn’t really listening to what you’re asking, but even if she were, she wouldn’t know how to answer your question anyways. When you get upset because she doesn’t know simple things like the office hours or some scheduling detail she gets angry because you are being rude.

It’s been a while since most of us had to deal with this person, and so many have come to hate the slow efficiency of the automated answering service. But as much as you loath waiting through a list of touch tone options and the lack of human contact, at least the answering service always has the right answer and it never gets angry with you.

Hilarious Professor Frink Inventions You’ll Never Get to Use

Professor John I.Q. Nerdelbaum Frink, Jr. was named after comedy writer John Frink, who would eventually become a writer for The Simpsons.  Hank Azaria brought the professor to life when he ad-libbed an impression of Jerry Lewis’ old character, the Nutty Professor.  Arguably one of the best television nerds of all time, Professor Frink has enriched our tv-watching lives with some of the greatest inventions we will never get to experience in real life, including the language known as “Hoyvin Glayvin.”  The following is a tribute to these inventions, inventions he created using  Thermodynamics, Hypermathematics, and of course, Microcalafragalistics…..bulv-gayvin.

Hamburger Earmuffs

If you think inventing the Hamburger Earmuffs was easy you’d be GLAYVENLY wrong.  The dear professor had problems like “the pickle matrix” to contend with, something Homer didn’t think of when he tried to steal Frink’s invention.

Death Ray

Invents a Ray of Death, it’s still in the Ray of Warmth phase, hopes that grandpa will invest.  (mm-hey!)

Gamble-Tron 2000

The Gamble-Tron 2000 was invented to predict the outcome of football games, and made its appearance during Lisa the Greekthe episode where Homer discovers Lisa’s sport betting skills.  How accurate are the GT-2000’s predictions? (Hoyvin!)

Radio Controlled Aeroplane for Babies

Thanks to the Frinkster, Apu could potentially command his very own squadron of flying babies. (Blayvin!)

Robo Bear

As Burns descends into the bowels of a deep depression over the loss of his teddy bear BoBo, Professor Frink introduces him to Robo, the robot bear.  (Hmm-blay!)

Run-Away House

Upon detecting any burgle-esque activities, the Run-Away House will do just that: It will stand up on electronic legs and go running down the street, whereupon it would trip and fall, spontaneously combust, setting all humans inside on fire. (Hm-hey!)

The 77X42

Not to be confused with the 77X43, Frinky invents the sourest sour ball ever.  (Voyvin!)

Frog Exaggerator

Bears a close resemblance to the Monsterometer.  (Gleevin!)

The Flying Motorcycle

Invents the Flying Motorcycle and offers it to Bart which he turns down. (Blayvin!)
Bart eventually regrets his decision.  (Mlayvin!)

Frinkahedron

As Homer gets sucked into a budget-busting dimension, Professor Frink explains to Homer’s family where he is.  (Ooomgle-hayvin hey!)

Frinkiak 7 Computer

Clearly unaware of the One Laptop Per Child program.  (Gleevin!)

Debigulator

Uses this invention to shrink Lisa so she can mingle with the tiny people who worship her as their God.  (Eedle-blay!)
But when Lisa needs to return to normal size…(Hoyvin Mayvin!)

AT-5000 Auto-Dialer

This device was invented for the noble purpose of informing children about snow days.   Alas, it fell into the hands of Jimmy the Scumbag and eventually Homer, who would use it for evil deeds like telemarketing and money-scamming. (Gleeevin!)

Matter Transporter

Sold to Homer for 35 cents, the Matter Transporter transforms Bart into the human fly.  (With the screaming and the transporting!)

Intra Bovine Ice-Cream Maker

Frink makes use of Mootilda’s four stomachs to produce delicious ice cream.  (Oye-vin!)

Sarcasm Detector

And my personal favorite. ( Blim-hey!)

Honorable Professor Frink inventions include:

A Steam Powered Super Spider for the Civil War reenactment.

A chess-playing robot arm

Floyd the Robot

Mood Pants

Automatic Tap Dancing Shoes



10 Plumbing Expressions That Don’t Mean What You Think

Toilet.  Is there a sexier word out there?  I submit there is not.  There’s a reason why so many porno plots begin with a scantily clad, heavily make-upped, high-heeled damsel in distress, opening her front door to reveal every woman’s ultimate fantasy: the plumber.  Wearing nothing but his work boots and a tool belt, he takes her breath away as he heroically declares, “I’m hear to plunge your toilet.”

This could mean many, many things.  But it could also mean that he’s there to actually plunge her toilet.  Truth be told, Plumbing rivals Italian, French and Spanish when it comes to sexy languages.  In fact the next time a plumber is on his knees in your bathroom and up to his elbows in toilet water, carefully place your ear next to that  dark  beautiful crack above his jeans and what you will hear can only be described as the poetry of angels.  The following are terms and expressions from the plumber’s dictionary which will make your heart beat faster and your pants get tighter….which is extremely disgusting, because they have nothing to do with what your twisted, in-the-gutter brain has conjured up.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

Sweating the pipe

Sweating the pipe is when you solder two pipe fittings together, so that water cannot leak out.

Wiggling the Snake

Also known as a “toilet jack,” a “closet auger” or an “electric eel,” the plumbing snake is a flexible auger used to unclog toilets that are beyond the help of a plunger.  It takes practice to learn how to wiggle it correctly.

Clamping the nipple

A nipple is a short piece of pipe, usually with male threading at both ends, and is used for attaching two different couplings or fittings.  Using a nipple wrench, you can clamp the nipple from the inside so that when you unscrew it from the attached fittings you won’t damage the threads.  I think my pipe just moved.

Snap-on cockhole cover

A cockhole cover is a round plate, used to cover unused faucet holes in your sink.

Inserting the male hose into the female fitting

Also referred to as “mating”.  In the world of plumbing, whether it’s a pipe, a hose or a fitting, anything with threading on the outside is considered male.  To be female is to wear your threading on the inside.  Male parts can only screw into female ones.

“I’ve been a screw my whole life but my real passion is writing”

Hardness leakage

Calcium and magnesium are the two minerals which make cause water hardness, and which produce a hard scale in piping, water heaters, steam irons, and pots and pans.  When hard water is passed through a bed of ion exchanger, the positively charged calcium and magnesium ions are replaced with sodium, and the water becomes softer.  Leftover traces of hardness in the mineral bed is known as hardness leakage.

Hitting the head

Not so much a plumbing term per say, but it still confused me the first time I heard someone say “I’m off to hit the head.”  I pictured a madman backhanding his junk, in some sort of weird disciplinary ritual where he’s yelling “Bad head! Bad head!”

Elongating the pipe

A short length of pipe installed between couplings or other fittings

Discharge head

Not the baby-making juice for dyslexics, discharge head is the difference in elevation between the liquid level of the discharge tank and the centerline of the pump. Also includes any additional pressure head that may be present at the discharge tank fluid surface.  Okay this one was a bit of a stretch, but we needed 10, and it had “discharge” and “head.”

Screwing the ballcock

The ballcock is the mechanism in your toilet tank that keeps the water levels normal and prevents overflowing.  When you flush the handle it pulls a chain which is attached to a valve, allowing water to drain.

Of course if you look up the word “plumbing” in the Urban Dictionary, you’ll discover that it means much more than just, plumbing!

Celebrity Meltdowns

In most recent celebrity news, 30-Rock star, Alec Baldwin has decided to quit acting saying he has “lost interest in acting” and considers his “entire movie career a complete failure”. If you ask me, this has all the smell of breakdown and nothing beats a good ol’ celebrity meltdown to make us ordinary folks feel better about ourselves and our “ordinary” lives.  Here’s a tribute to some of Hollywood’s broken celebrities, in their less-than-shining moments…

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Mowgli Syndrome: Raised by Animals

The idea of being raised by a black panther with a British accent and learning your “Bear” necessities from a giant singing bear seems a lot cooler than being brought up by human parents. Unfortunately, the reality is cruel in the rare cases of children who have been raised by animals. These children, known as “feral” children, have grown up with minimal human contact, no human love, no social skills and no human language skills. There have been over one hundred reported cases of feral children. Here are some of the unfortunate and twisted Mowgli cases.

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10 Ridiculously Lazy Halloween Costumes

If you’re like me, forgetful and lazy, Halloween can be an annual pain in the ass. Despite the fact that every October, every drug store I pass looks like Dracula threw up all over it, I somehow manage to go 364 days not thinking about Halloween. Ever since I was a teen-aged zombie, and disapproving adults begrudgingly dropped miniature Coffee Crisps into my pillow case, scowling at me with that “Aren’t you too old to be Trick or Treating?” look in their eye, I was positive that my costuming days were over. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Read more »

Pimp My Pimp: Pimpiest Pimps in Pimpland

“When a hoe gets with a pimp, it ain’t no different than a Huxtable relationship.”
- Snooky Pimp

I don’t think truer words have ever been said.  I never could get through an episode of the Cosby Show without thoughts of prostitutes getting cold cocked by fleshmongers flowing through my brain.  “It’s Pimpageddon!” I would often cry out, as Cliff Huxtable massaged Claire’s tired lawyer feet.  Read more »

The Duck Era: 1985-1997

With pioneers like Donald and Daffy, it’s no wonder ducks have been central characters in cartoons and stories. However between the periods of 1985-1997,  a fascinating phenomenon occurred and all of a sudden duck shows were popping up everywhere, giving rise to what some are calling the Duck Boom. Vampire ducks, Hockey ducks, Billionaire ducks, Batman/Shadow-wannabe ducks… Ducks seemed to be the perfect ingredient for a hit series. Read more »

10 Humiliating Reasons People Have Been Arrested

When I was 14-years-old I got arrested for shoplifting condoms.  When I refused to give the drug store “security guard” my home phone number he gave me the ultimatum: “We either call your mom, or call the cops.”  Well, considering the fact that my extremely strict Irish-Catholic mother would explode like a car bomb when she A) Finds out I broke one of those commandment thingys,  and B) was stealing devil latex to engage in activities that would send me straight to fiery bowels of hell, the decision was simple.   “Call the cops.”
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Human Mutations the X-Men Have No Use For

Whenever I see a blind person being led around by a seeing eye dog or someone without legs wheeling themselves around on a skateboard, I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude towards whatever or whomever the hell created me without any major physical disorder.  Can I still say “disorder?” Politically correct terms are evolving at such a fast pace that I’m probably still using words that became inappropriate back in August.  Anyhow, the point being that I’m grateful.  Well, it would always bother me when I’d be reading X-Men comics and certain mutants would consider their gifts a “curse,” wishing they could have been born normal.  Well the following are some existing human mutations they could have been born with, none of which would have attracted the attention of Professor X.  So if you happen to be a member of the X-Men and you’re reading this, stop your whining and be grateful.

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