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Stupid Shit The Kids Of Today Are Doing

When our parents’ generation was smoking dope, eating magic mushrooms, and tripping balls on acid, they were just being a bunch of crazy kids. Kids today are another story. Kids today are saying: “Pffft… Screw Acid. I’m going to pour vodka straight into my eyeball!” Instead of puffing doobies, or even huffing glue, kids today are digging their little hands into the toilet bowl and getting high off their own poop. I am alarmed by the recreational activities of our “children of tomorrow,”  these are our future doctors and lawyers and candlestick makers for god’s sake!  Here is a list of some of the exceptionally stupid shit the kids of today are doing. I have no doubt the comment section will also provide some even more obscure teen crazes.
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Boob Jobs: The Bad and The Ugly

Honkers, knockers, bouncing Buddhas, lung protectors, frost detectors, boobies, boobs, jugs… Yes, there are a panoply of endearing (and crude) terms for these spectacular bumps we call breasts. And, with all the focus and attention we put on them, it is no wonder so many women feel the need to improve and enhance their bust area surgically. Every day, almost a thousand women in the United States surgically boost their breast size. That makes breast augmentation THE most popular cosmetic-surgery procedure in the country. The results however, don’t always go as planned. A wise man (also known as my co-worker Dan) once said: “The best boob jobs are the ones that don’t look like boob jobs”. The following pictures are the antithesis of that statement.

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The Best, Most Hilarious News Bloopers That Will Make You LOL, ROFL And Maybe Vom

News reporting is a serious job. Providing up to the minute coverage on pertinent issues such as politics, health, the economy and crime it’s no wonder a news anchor’s accidental slip of the tongue, bout of uncontrollable laughter or angry fit of rage make it impossible for viewers to do anything but laugh. The following clips are a collection of some of the most priceless news bloopers ever to be caught on camera.

Lights. Camera. Action.
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Young Celebrities Who Look Like Seniors

Drugs, alcohol, tanning and plastic surgery can be like flying a rocket plane through your youth. When we’re young, all we want is to be older. Once we’re older, all we want is to be young again. In the case of the following celebrities, all they wanted was to be perfect, but somehow they ended up looking like trampled pieces of leather.
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Film Trailer Giveaways That a Movie Will Suck

Why Hollywood, why?  Why do you take all that is good, and turn it to poo?  It’s like you’ve got this team of anti-alchemists working around the clock, taking our favorite novels, our fondest childhood memories, even freaking movies that already exist and transforming them into dilapidated fecal patties to be hurled at walls by bonobo monkeys.

Yeah that’s right, bonobo monkeys.

Particularly in the last 2 years or so we’ve been bombarded with film trailers that got our little hearts beating faster, effectively getting us off the couch and into the theaters, only to have us walk out  2 hours later, pissed off and unable to believe they somehow managed to miss the mark YET AGAIN.  So how can we avoid this, sparing our wallets from financial strain and our souls from bitter disappointment?  The answers my friends are blowing in the wind.  Just replace “wind” with trailers, and replace “blowing” with…well just delete blowing.

Obviously there are trailers for movies so terrible that any person with active brain matter could confidently lean over to the person next to them and say “I will NEVER see that!”  But when trailers for major blockbusters are concerned, the hints that they might be giant stink bombs are a little more subtle.  The following are some clues on how to sift through the cinematic muck.

If the trailer voice guy sucks

On September 1, 2008, the film industry lost one of its most valuable commodities: Don Lafontaine, the voice for over 5,000 movie trailers.  While “Thunder Throat” is probably the last nickname you’d want your teenaged son to acquire in high school, LaFontaine’s voice dropped lower than his classmates’ testicles at an early age, earning him a lifetime’s worth of voiceover work and voice acting gigs.  But he’s most famous for introducing millions of movie goers to upcoming productions with the famous phrase “In a world where lizards could sing.”  Well, at least the “in a world” part.

As soon as LaFontaine’s words bellowed forth from theatre subwoofers, you knew the movie being previewed was going to kick ass.  His voice work for trailers was so good that stand up comic Pablo Francisco practically made a living of impersonating him.

So, whenever you hear a voice, trying desperately to be the voice, the movie is probably a piece of garbage.

Now I realize that Don hasn’t voiced any trailers in over two years, due of course to his lack of life. But then again, I don’t think I’ve seen a decent film since ’08.  So there!  My logic is sound.

If the trailer shows you all the best parts

Have you ever watched a trailer and felt “Well, now I don’t need to see the movie.” A movie trailer lasts about 2 minutes, and yet some of them manage to give up all the goods for a film which lasts about 120.  You’re supposed to sell the sizzle, not run around slapping everyone in the face with the steak.  Here’s an example of a good preview for a good movie.  Remember, less is often more.  This preview starts with 3 seconds of blackness, before showing you a single image.  That’s balls.  They know what they’ve got, and they’re not afraid to make us wait.  In fact, over the course of the 120 second preview, 10 of those seconds are spent in total darkness, letting the viewer’s imagination run wild for a little bit.  It gives you very little information, showing you long camera pans of the city, a playing card on fire, and slow zooms of people doing nothing.  Tiny snippets of random disjointed conversations, an explosion here, a flipped truck there, just enough to get the saliva glands tingling.

Now look at this trailer.

After watching the movie and being horribly disappointed, I went back and watched the trailer and understood why: I already knew everything that was going to happen before seeing the damned thing.  Everything in the trailer is in the exact chronological order as in the movie:

• Sam leaves Bumblebee and Megan Fox behind to go to school (idiot!!!)
• He gets infected by the AllSpark splinter and freaks out in class
• The Decepticons come to earth, destroying buildings and an aircraft carrier
• John Turturro has the answers and delivers the only good line in the entire movie
• The symbols lead everyone to the pyramids
• Megatron comes back!
• Optimus Prime gets his butt kicked
• Sam gets captured
• Autobots do battle with Decepticons
• Devastator sucks up the desert

Thanks guys.  You basically gave us all the punch lines, so we could spend 12 bucks + pop corn + drink to sit and watch the setups.

If the trailer features Nicholas Cage

That is all.

If the trailer for a comedy doesn’t make you laugh

I’ve always been a fan of the Whitest Kids U’ Know, but I was a bit nervous about whether or not they could sustain their funniness any longer than the 10 minute cut-off point of a YouTube clip.  Turns out my instincts were correct, because Miss March was an unbelievable pile of poop.  I shouldn’t have been surprised though, the trailer didn’t make me laugh once, not even that laugh where you quickly exhale through your nose and nod your head once or twice.

Year One was also a big disappointment. But how could this be?  The trailer was hilarious, made me laugh 3-4 times out loud, it featured an all-star comedy cast, the idea was fun and it even had Michael Cera completely painted in gold.  So where did I go wrong? Why didn’t I foresee the huge upset?  I went back and watched the preview again for any signs I might have missed, and sure enough, there it was, plain as day: lame preview guy voice.

If the trailer references other films

“It’s like The Matrix meets Big Mama.”  Whenever a film needs to compare itself to another film, chances are it’s going to be terrible.  The producers have so little faith in their own product they need to piggy back on the works of others.  A classic example is the trailer for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, a film whose name alone should have aroused our suspicions.  They spend the first half of the preview, reminding us of the first three Indy films!  Weak.

More clues to be wary of:

• If the trailer features a kid actor saying grownup things.
• If the words “from the director who brought you…” are followed by lame movie titles.
• If you haven’t seen a recognizable face in the first 10 seconds.
• If an actor who won an Oscar for “Best Supporting actor” is now the lead actor.
• If the name Wayans appears anywhere.  ANYWHERE.

In a world where comments are welcome…one man…one woman…two cocker spaniels… all should feel free to add their own clues on how to tell a movie will suck by watching the trailer.

Humiliating Reasons People Have Been Arrested: Part Deux

Last year, we did a piece on 10 Humiliating Reasons People Have Been Arrested. Since then, people are still getting arrested for ridiculous reasons so here are some new stories for your entertainment. (And ours.)
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Animals Fight Back: The Animal Revenge Series

Revenge is a dish best served cold and there is nothing more satisfying (and entertaining) than to watch unexpected animals get the last laugh. Here are some of the best animal revenge videos on the net. Watch these heroic creatures own their foes!
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Sketch Comedy: 6 Funny Sketches From My Favorite Troupes

From May 17th-22nd, following Anti-Homophobic day, the Theatre Ste-Catherine in Montreal will be playing host to Sketchfest, a week-long sketch comedy festival featuring some of Canada’s funniest troupes.  Growing up watching SNL, Kids in the Hall, Monty Python and just generally being a fan of sketch comedy my entire life, I’ve really enjoyed watching the skits make their way from the live stage to television, NOT to films, and now most popularly, to the Internet.  The following are some of my favorite sketch comedy troupes, some of which I know personally, and most of which I discovered while poking around Youtube, looking for a quick laugh.

The Whitest Kids U’ Know

Winners of the “Best Sketch Group” during HBO’s U.S. Comedy Arts Festival back in ’06, The Whitest Kids U’ Know have been splitting sides for over a decade now.  Trevor Moore, Sam Brown and Zach Cregger all met while attending the School of Visual Arts in New York, while Darren Trumeter and Timmy Williams would team up with the original trio soon after.  They have performed to sold out crowds all over New York city, they had and lost a television show with Fuse TV, which would later be picked up by IFC, and Trevor and Zach would eventually take their comedy to the silver screen with the film Miss March.  The Slow Jerk was my official introduction to these guys, and they made a fantastic first impression.

To see more WKUK you can visit their official website.

BriTANick

Brian McElhaney was an actor slash filmmaker from Atlanta. Nick Kocher was also an actor from Atlanta.  Friends from the same neck of the woods, it would not be until they were both attending New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts that they recognized their potential as a team, and would merge to form the sketch comedy robot known as BriTANick.  They both act, write, direct, and edit each sketch, with the help of their many talented friends when the need arises.  The following is the first video I ever saw from them, and I’ve been a fan ever since.

To see more BriTANick you can visit their official website.

Picnicface

This octo-troupe holds a special place in my heart as they are based right out of my backyard in Halifax, Nova Scotia.  Okay well, maybe not exactly in my backyard, I live in Montreal so my house would have to be the size of the moon to have its backyard in Halifax.  The point is they are Canadian and I’ve met some of them and they’re hilarious.  They’ve only been around for the last four years but they’ve been making ‘em laugh by the millions with their online sketches and live performances.  Most are familiar with their runaway Youtube hit Powerthirst, well here’s Powerthirst 3: Powermost.

To see more Picnicface you can visit their official website.

The Sketchersons

Some more homegrown talent from Toronto, Ontario, The Sketchersons have been nominated for best Sketch Troupe for the last five years in a row at the Canadian Comedy Awards, taking the trophy home in ’07.  A huge cast of improv actors, actor actors, and stand up comics, The Sketchersons are to sketch comedy what the Etch-a Sketch is to dial-drawings.  For the last six years the troupe have offered Torontonians knee-slapping laughter in the form of Sunday Night Live, a weekly sketch comedy show hosted by many of Canada’s funniest stand up comics.  Focusing most of their energies on live performances, the Sketchersons have less of an online presence as the other groups on this list, but if you want to hear Batman recite some soul-shattering poetry, check this s*** out!

To see more from The Sketchersons you can visit their official website or visit their MySpace videos page.

Derrick Comedy

Once again from New York University comes Dominic Dierkes, DC Pierson and Donald Glover.  Yes, we know what you’re thinking.  None of them is named Derrick.  We were also shocked to discover this disturbing fact, and we are here to tell you that there are no answers, only more questions.  But with over 30 videos on YouTube, most of which breaking the million mark, there is no doubt these guys deliver the comedic goods.  It was very difficult to choose one of my favorites, so once again I will go with the first clip I ever saw from these non-Derricks.

To see more Derrick Comedy you can visit their official website.

POYKPAC

All the way from Albuquerque, New Mexico comes Ryan Hall, Ryan Hunter, Taige Jensen, Jennifer Lyon, and Maggie Ross.  Actually, they’re from Brooklyn, but we thought it would be more interesting to say they were from a place with at least two “q”s in its name.  They easily have my favorite troupe name on this list, POYKPAC, the acronym for Pictures of Your Kids Pooping and Crying.  They are probably best known for their 15-episode web series on the Independent Film Channel called “Good Morning Internet,” or their YouTube videos Hipster Olympics, Mario Game Over, or Voice Talkers.  Whatever the case, their videos are well thought out, brilliantly executed and above all else, hilarious.  There is “thinking outside the box” and then there’s “moving to a far away country where boxes haven’t been invented yet,” a fact which makes the following clip one of my favourites.

To see more POYKPAC you can visit their official website.

Movies That Have Attempted To Turn Lame Premises Into Cool Stories

While some movies have great premises that get executed wonderfully, some storylines  are so preposterously ridiculous we’re all left guessing what the crack was laced with when the Hollywood boardroom said “Let’s make a movie about it.” The following list highlights the archetypes of movies that have attempted to turn lame premises into cool stories, some doing so with far greater success than others.

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5 People Who Got Away With Jokes About the Special Olympics

Special Olympics.  Never in history have two words been more effective at dividing the people.

On the one hand, you have those whose hearts are filled to the brim with hope and love, whose eyes glaze over with tears of pride and compassion whenever a Special Olympic athlete crosses the finish line, even if the aforementioned athlete wasn’t competing in a race of any kind.  To these people the human spirit is something to be cherished, and they would (if they could), personally escort anyone making fun of the Special Olympics into the deepest bowels of hell.

And then pee on them.
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