Young people really do spend too much time on their cells and smartphones. If you were to take a walk over to the local coffee shop, odds are that you would pass by at least six people yakking on the phone, four people texting, at least two taking pictures with their cell and another two playing some form of game.

I started doing a little research on all of the different ways that you can waste your time fiddling with your hi-tech phone and I noticed that there are tons of apps for Apple’s iPhone; and that there a lot of really ridiculous ones. Here is a list of some of the most pointless iPhone apps out that I found.

Belly Button

This app includes a choice of seven different belly button images that you can mix & match with five voice variations. For example, you could choose an image of a belly dancer belly button and pair it with a female voice. Once you have made your selection you can amuse yourself by tickling the belly button image in order to watch the image wiggle about and listen to the voice laugh.

For those of you who are a bit twisted, you can mix a female looking midsection with a deep and manly voice.

iLickit

Click here to view the embedded video.

Pimple Popper

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Atomic Fart

The iPhone is a very convenient piece of technology. It can be used in place of many other gadgets such as a camera, video recorder, GPS and now even a whoopee cushion. The atomic fart app is fundamentally a whoopee cushion that has gone through a tech makeover. It comes with a soundtrack full of flatulent sound effects that ranges from tiny ‘toots’ to full on ‘sharts’. This app even includes a timer and motion sensor so that you can hide your phone somewhere and pin the farts on someone else.

Sasame Kisscomi (aka the kissing app)

This ‘cootie’ filled app is based on a Japanese anime series that focuses on a female high-school student whom is secretly in love with her classmate who is also an adolescent girl. The basic idea is to earn points by kissing your iPhone screen. I guess that practicing on the back of your hand is outdated.
This app even has a warning about how the saliva and moisture that you leave on your phone after making out with it may cause the smart phone to become slippery; so if you are going to slobber all over your phone, be careful not to drop it.
Another useful piece of advice would be to decontaminate your cell before becoming intimate with it.

My Vibe

Male iPhone users have plenty of hot women and boob apps to keep them amused; now there is one designed for the ladies. The My Vibe app is sold at an online sex shop that had the idea to take advantage of the smart phone’s vibrating feature in order to transform the gadget in to an actual vibrator.
The warning about cleaning off your iPhone should be followed before and after using this app.

Puff

Here is an app that is more sanitary than the last two apps but is still a little perverted. Similar to the kissing app this game features Japanese anime girls; and the object of the game is to blow air up their dresses. This is done by blowing on your smart phone’s microphone and watching the cartoon skirt rise on the display screen.
So if you see someone blowing on their cell they are either playing with this app or trying to dry off their phone after playing the kissing app.

Baby Shaker

Click here to view the embedded video.

The app displayed an image of an infant and the object of the game was to shake your phone until two small red X’s replaced the baby’s eyes. A timer would keep track of the amount of time that it took you to murder the child so that you could later try to break your personal record for virtual murder.

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Weirdest iPhone Apps

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The point here is, genius looks scary.  Some of the most creative minds this planet has to offer are better heard and not seen, or in the case of this post, they are better experienced from the shadows of your home, at your fingertips in front of a computer screen.  If it wasn’t for brilliant computer programmers we would still be consulting our abacuses to resolve bar arguments. Truth be told however, if you ever bumped into a programmer in the light of day you would hide your kids, hide your wife, and even your husband ’cause the programmers are rapin’ everybody up in here.

We here at McLOL would like to conduct a little experiment.  We’ve mixed photos of famous programmers with those of known rapists and we would like you to guess which ones are which.  You can place your guesses in the comments section.  After the first 100 guesses we will reveal the answer.  Good luck!

Don’t let the shirt and tie fool you, it’s all about those hungry eyes

I don’t know whether to run for my life or eat a bucket of delicious chicken skins

Step into my pants!

Don’t know which is more hypnotizing, the shirt or the stache

Staring at this photo for too long is a form of rape in itself

This guy likes to go All In…am I right ladies?

This image will also be featured in our “Programmer or Warewolf” post

So? Whaddya think?  Who amongst these gentlemen do you think wrote code, or drove an ice cream truck?  Remember to put your answers in the comment section, and you get bonus point for identifying these lookers by name, by what computer program they invented, or by the names of their sex victims.

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Programmer or Rapist

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Eilert Pilarm – Eilerts Jul

How could we compile a list of silly Christmas album covers without including Eilert Pilarm – Sweden’s favorite Elvis impersonator who neither looks nor sounds like Elvis? “The King” himself would probably turn in his grave if he were to witness the ruthless butchering of such wonderful Christmas music. Don’t be cruel, Eilert!

Afroman – A Colt 45 Christmas

In 2006, Afroman brought Christmas back to the ‘hood with A Colt 45 Christmas. With festive song titles including “Deck My Balls”, “Let Her Blow” and “O Chronic Tree”, Afroman traded in the customary Christmas tree and eggnog for marijuana trees and 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor. When asked why he decided to take this route in celebrating the holidays, Afroman replied “Because I Got High”. Indeed!

The Border Brass – Tijuana Christmas

Christmas in Tijuana, sounds enticing doesn’t it? Who in their right mind would choose a white Christmas when they could cross over the US border and spend the winter holiday eating tacos, drinking bottles of tequila, listening to mariachi music, exploring drug tunnels and running away from the Tijuana Cartel? If that’s not your idea of a Felis Navidad then I don’t know what is.

Jacob Miller – Natty Christmas

Santa Clause is coming to Jamaica, mon! Late reggae artist Jacob Miller proved that Santa didn’t care if you were natty or nice. Santa climbed down the dutty chimneys in Kingston, leaving gift bags of ganja under every Christmas tree. You better leave a big plate of cookies out for this hungry Santa!

Wham! – Last Christmas

There is something oddly hilarious about “Santa” George Michael standing side by side with band mate, Andrew “The Reindeer” Ridgeley. Let’s just hope that Santa keeps it clean this Christmas and refrains from engaging in lewd acts in public restrooms and cruising in his sleigh for anonymous sex in parks. Wake me up before you ho-ho-ho!

Christmas on Death Row

While the album cover itself is not as comically amusing as some of our other picks, how can you not snicker at the concept of a death row Christmas celebration? I absolutely appreciate the humor in sending your young children to sit on the lap of a death row inmate adorned in Santa Clause attire. As long as his arms and legs are strapped securely to Santa’s electric throne, you should have absolutely nothing to worry about! Right?

AC-DC – Mistress for Christmas

AC/DC and Christmas go together like a violent flame and dry pine branches. Nonetheless, we decided to include their Christmas adultery anthem on our list of the funniest Christmas album covers. Seeing a wide-eyed, grinning Brian Johnson holding an upside down Mrs. Santa by the legs is the Christmas gift that keeps on giving.

Luke – Christmas at Luke’s Sex Shop

If you have been a naughty girl this year, take a seat on Santa Luke’s lap and tell him what you want for Christmas (though the chances are you will get nothing but a nice spanking). Nobody brings out the holiday cheer quite like the former 2 Live Crew front man. Pop in the album and celebrate the happiest (and freakiest) time of the year with such musical gems as “Ho Hoe Hoes”, “Christmas Spliff” and “Christmas Fuckin’ Day”. Just make sure mom, dad and granny are not around to hear it!

Paul Holt – Fifty Grand for Christmas

If you are familiar with who Paul Holt is, you most likely enjoy the train wreck of a television program that is “The X Factor” (a British singing competition a la American Idol). Simon Cowell criticized Holt’s lousy audition and promised him fifty thousand pounds should Holt ever land a number one single in the UK. Needless to say, Holt wrote a Christmas song about the Cowell bet and never came close to hitting the number one spot. On the bright side, we have a bizarre Christmas album cover that will live on for years to come.

Rudy Ray Moore – This Ain’t No White Christmas

The late Rudy Ray Moore – best known for his vulgar comedy routines and for his depiction of our favorite Blaxploitation film character Dolemite the pimp – carried on the Christmas tradition with a holiday-themed comedy effort. If you take one look at the barely clothed ebony beauties decorating his tree (no pun intended), you will realize why This Ain’t No White Christmas.

From all of us at Mclol, Merry Christmas mutha***kas!

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Funniest Christmas Album Covers Of All Time

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Kickflip to Double Groin Pull

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It all happened around the time I asked for directions to the washroom so that I could unload some of the alcohol from my system. When I finally staggered my way to the corridor where the can was located I realized that the bathroom signs were written in Gaelic!

Confused, drunker than Mel Gibson on a Tuesday night and without a Gaelic/English dictionary I rolled the dice and walked through the toilet door on my right…

After I was thrown out of the bar by a two-hundred and fifty pound bouncer who had come running once he heard the screams coming from the lady whom had the great misfortune to see me attempt to use the hand blow-dryer as a urinal; I thought about the whole situation.

I came to the realization that I have come across many funny bathroom signs that have brought humour to a situation that is normally anything but funny.

That is why I have attempted to make a list of these funny pics in the hopes that they would make a funny article for our little online humour magazine.

Messy Mutant Girls

Not only does it look like they encourage pissing all over the floor at this establishment; but it seems like most of the regular females urinate out of their kneecaps.

Bathroom Aerobics

Is it just me or does this look like something that they would have posted in the bathrooms at the beer Olympics? Squat then up and down then lunge and then for some reason try to catch one of the teenage mutant ninja turtles.

Toilet Brush Comb Over

I have heard about truckers and bums using the can for more than the usual freshening up but this is ridiculous.

Bathroom Peeper

I guess that I was wrong when I assumed that the reason for separate washrooms was due to the overwhelming stench that male appetites, along with their colons, could cook up. This might help explain why someone would risk a humiliating arrest by hiding out in a latrine to spy on bathroom users.

Toilet BJ

I can understand why they would want to rule out the second image but when it comes to washroom falatio as long as the girl is a grateful receiver the mess should be minimal.

Toilet With A Face

This idea could be a winner if they allow the user to choose whose face will be attached to the toilet. I can think of a few people out there that I would not mind taking a dump on.

Instructional Diagram

Remember that handful of individuals who got left behind in school and had to repeat a grade? Well here are the “special kids” that couldn’t make it through potty training and need a reminder from time to time. Maybe these instruction were added because the plumber had to unclog maxi pads from the pipes one time too many.

Insulting Toilet Instructions

Maybe it’s just me but this sign makes me want to whip out my Johnson and whizz all over the damn place!

Hard At Work

Some jobs do not stress productivity as much as others. These are probably the same people who get a whole hour for their lunch.

Pee Dance

This bathroom has a great sense of humour and has successfully integrated the classic childhood pee dance into a funny joke that can be experienced in a public place.
Please feel free to add your strange toilet stories to the comments below as an addition to this online humour magazine.

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Funny Bathroom Signs

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The Self-Turning Spaghetti Fork

Are you lazy? I mean, like, really lazy. Too lazy to eat Spaghetti? Well, you’re in luck. For the low low price of $27 you can be the proud owner of a Self-Twirling Spaghetti Fork. The device runs on two AAA batteries (not included), so you’re going to have to shell out for those as well, but it’s a small price to pay for “more satisfying bites and 100% twirling fun.” The saddest part is that when you go to BimBamBanana to buy the thing, the website tells you that they’re all sold out.

Rainy Day Cigarette Holder

Sometimes you just need a cigarette. But what if it’s raining? No need to be one of those pathetic smokers huddling in an alcove trying to get their nicotine fix without getting wet. Stand proudly in the rain, drenching yourself, secure in the knowledge that your cigarette won’t go out with the help of the Rainy Day Cigarette Holder. Or maybe just buy an umbrella. Your call.

The Cigarette Pack Holder

Are you ever out there in flavour country and you realize that one cigarette just isn’t doing it for you? Sure, you could light up another cigarette and double-fist, but whose to say two will do the trick? Prevent that problem with the Cigarette Pack Holder. Load this little beauty with an entire pack of cigarettes and smoke your way to satisfaction…or lung cancer. Because chain-smoking is for pussies.

Cat Wigs

Have you ever taken a good look at your cat and bemoaned the fact that it didn’t look like a mid-1980s Cher? Apparently, you’re not alone. Kitty Wigs produces a variety of cat-sized wigs, guaranteed to make your cat look even more resentful of your presence than it does already. Maybe you can make your cat wear this electric blue masterpiece when you inevitably marry it to another one of your pets in a lavish ceremony.

Anti-Bandit Bag

Are you tired of watching some enterprising thief get away with all of your belongings? Wish you had a gun loaded with ammo to defend yourself?  You can show them the non-violent way! Buy yourself one of these innovative Anti-Bandit Bags, engineered to fall to pieces should some criminal try to wrest your briefcase from your grasp. Won’t that criminal be disappointed when he tries to take off with your possessions and instead finds them strewn about all over the ground. Snap!

Placebo Candies

Placebos are usually sugar pills doctors give patients to trick them into thinking they’ve been taking medication. Sometimes just thinking you’ve been treated can result in positive health effects. I guess some guy heard about this, didn’t quite get it, but decided to run with it anyway. I think the only things these candies are good for is wowing your friends with your love of irony and your willingness to blow money on ridiculous crap.

USB Pets

Do you ever sit in front of your laptop and think “my battery isn’t draining fast enough?” Maybe the dearth of useless shit on your desk has made you an object of office ridicule. Problem solved. For about $20 you can plug one of these into a USB port and watch in amazement as it rolls its eyes or sticks out its tongue over and over and over again. Won’t your co-workers be jealous.

Motorized Ice Cream Cones

This has to be the worst bastardization of a concept ever. Ice cream cones are fun because of how tasty the cone is and the challenge of eating them without getting yourself covered in a milk/sugar film. This pointless invention rotates your ice cream for you as it sits in a completely inedible container. I guess you might find this useful if you were a paraplegic.

The Merkin

Have you ever been about to stand naked in front of a large crowd of people and been horrified to discover that you didn’t have enough pubic hair? Perhaps you’re in need of a good merkin. This handy-dandy pubic wig will disguise your embarrassingly bare genitals…when you’re naked…in public. Be sure to get the police take a full-body mug shot when you’re picked up for public indecency.

Ride-along Dog Bag

If Mitt Romney learned anything in the Republican nomination race it was that hooking your dog to the roof of your car and driving for six hours is not cool. But what about the side of your car? This lovely dog bag hangs off of the window of your automobile, keeping your car free of that nasty dog smell and giving your pooch the ride of his life. Come on. He’s just going to stick his head out of the window anyway.

Thumb-Wrestling Ring

Nothing improves a simple time-wasting game like complicating it with ugly and absolutely useless equipment. Now, instead of just having a thumb war with a friend, horrify them by pulling this thumb-wrestling ring out of your bag and suck all of the fun out of an age-old classic. As an added bonus, it looks like the plastic around the thumb hole will slice the shit out of your most useful digit.

Watch-View Jacket

You’ve just bought a fancy new watch only to discover that it’s completely obscured by your accursed sleeves. How will you ever find out the time now? Fret no more; some ingenious entrepreneur has taken care of it already. This fantastic Watch-view Jacket comes equipped with a see-through panel that will let you check the time without losing any of your valuable wrist warmth.

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Most Useless Inventions Ever

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Welcome to the Safety Shop

Where we hire aspiring tightrope walkers to try and keep their balance while painting on a rickety twig !

Padlocked Emergency Bus Door

Behold the school bus riding the Highway to Hell. See ya there kids!

World’s Most Dangerous Window Cleaning Ladder

This guy must have testicles the size of two Christina Ricci heads.

Chillin’ on the Motorcycle: Safety Fail?

Click here to view the embedded video.

This guy’s lazy motoring skills are more of a Win than a Fail…

Safety Fail Extinguisher

Hopefully, the axe to open this locked and gated fire extinguisher isn’t behind a steel entry door

Moving Baby Gate: Safety Gate Fail

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Was this supposed to be a safety gate or a cage walker for children?

Motorcycle Child Safety Fail

I’m more concerned about the child suffocating than I am about it not having a helmet.

The only one professional enough to hold a Glock 40

Click here to view the embedded video.

How about not bringing guns to the Kindergarten classroom.

Fire safety instructor set himself on fire

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Bwahahahaha…

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Safety Fails

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Oliver Hardy

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Curly Howard

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Jackie Gleason

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Lou Costello

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Rodney Dangerfield

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Sam Kinison

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John Belushi

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John Candy

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Louis Anderson

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Jon Pinette

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Chris Farley

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Cedric the Entertainer

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Kevin James

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Artie Lange

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Ralphie May

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Gabriel Iglesias

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Zach Galifianakis/Patton Oswalt/Brian Posehn

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A Tribute to the Funniest of the Fat Men

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Failed Bunny Hop Concludes with a Roll Right over the Ballsies

Somehow, I don’t think the biker’s intention was to ever come through on his bunny hop.

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Grind Nut shot

He still has a penis, but I’m not so sure about the balls.

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Nut crush

Life as a choir boy is about the only hope for this kid.

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Nut cracker, not so suite

The poor bloke has just embedded a critical part of his blokehood into his arse.

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Bike Roof Catapult Nutshot

Some people have seriously masochistic ways for curing boredom. Why not just dice up your dick with a katana?

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Slow Ride into Nut Damage

It was the only realistic way this could end…

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Mother of Owwwwww: Balls caught in Wheel

His dick now looks like a branch that’s been chewed by a Brontosaurus.

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Motorcycle Nut Shot

Not quite a BMX nut shot, but a MUST on this list. I must have watched this video 13 times and am still squirming for the pain I feel for the failed leap froger.

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BMX Faceplant + Nut Shot

Hands down one of the most painful looking nut shots. Poor you wiener dude.

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Fat Man on a Little Bike…

Luckily for Rollie, fat people don’t have dicks.

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BMX Nut Shots

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She’s gonna feel that come winter

You’ll never believe what I saw…

When I read that a 27-year old woman from Maryland had to be airlifted to a hospital from severe bleeding, after her boyfriend attached a sex toy to a power saw, turned on the power saw and inserted his new sex-saw into her vagina, my first thoughts were “what kind of sex toy was it? How the f*** do you attach a sex toy to an electric saw?”  I pictured it kinda like a Krull ninja star but with dildos.

Upon further investigation I discovered that the couple used an electric reciprocating saw. Not knowing anything about tools I looked it up.

Sweet baby Jesus

So I did some further research, and of course by research I mean typed “reciprocating saw” into YouTube. Notice how many times he says the word “vagina.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

So you’re hanging out on a Sunday afternoon, you’ve got a dildo in one hand, a power saw in the other, when suddenly it all makes sense. “Honey come here, I wanna show you something.” And the worst part is, she agreed to go through with it! How did they not think the saw would cut through the rubber penis? I mean I’m no mathematician, but there’s one thing I know for sure: saw + vagina = hospital.

Is that a glass bottle in your colon or are just happy to see me?

A twenty-something man from Calgary, Alberta once decided that the right thing to do would be to shove a Snapple bottle up his ass. Apparently the pressure was too intense and the bottle shattered in his rectum. Doctors had to very delicately, without giggling, remove the bottle shard by shard. There are certain phone calls in this world I just wish I could have overheard.

Man: Um, hello? Yeah hi, um…hypothetically speaking, if someone were to shove a glass bottle into their bum, and the aforementioned bottle were to let’s say, implode…would you recommend calling an ambulance?

9-1-1 operator: Oh god definitely.

Man: Yeah I’m going to need an ambulance then.

Croatian doctor Marijan Korsic is no newbie when it comes to removing shattered objects from people’s anal cavities. Aside from the usual suspects like vegetables, vermin, tree branches and wine bottles, the good doctor saved a man’s life when he removed an exploded neon lamp from a man’s poop chute. In 2008, over 10, 000 people from the UK alone were treated for a “foreign body entering through eye or other natural orifice.”  In fact I once made an appearance in an episode of Blue Mountain State where a this dude’s promise ring for girlfriend was passed through another dude’s digestive system.

See what happens when you mix video games with exercise!

This one isn’t so much an injury during sexual activity as it is sexual activity caused by an injury. A woman from Manchester England was exercising when she fell off her Nintendo Wii Fit board. As a result of some nerve damage caused during the fall, she now has sexual urges up to 10 times a day, sometimes lasting several hours, sometimes lasting days, and sometimes turning into full blown orgasms. I think I saw a Grey’s Anatomy episode about this. That’s not true. I’ve never even watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, let alone cried during one…wait, was that out loud? Where am I?

I’ll have what she’s having

Back to captain orgasmo, whose name happens to be Amanda Flowers coincidentally enough. She “suffers” from what’s known as persistent genital arousal disorder (PGAD). I never thought I’d see the words “persistent” “genital” and “arousal” followed by any word other than “awesome superpower”. Although cum to think of it, this disorder would be terrible for men; we’d have to walk around with some sort of cock-diaper.

And now for the dismount…

Julienne Smolinski, a 26-year old New Yorker performed what she calls “an accidental back handspring” off her boyfriend, cracking her cranium while fracturing his penium. What makes this case so bizarre, was her use of the word “accidental.” How do you accidentally do a back handspring? That’s like saying “I was going down on my boyfriend and I accidentally did a triple salchow and ripped his dick off.”

In case you’re wondering, this is what an intentional back handspring looks like.

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And here’s what a back handspring looks like from someone who’s really trying to do one.

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I submit that Julienne Smolinski wanted to perform a back handspring, and should have been arrested for gymnastical cock abuse.

At this point you are probably thinking “but what about the dude and the jar from the video 1 dude 1 jar?” Well my friends, there are just certain things I choose to keep out of my brain. Just like the 2 girls 1 cup nightmare, there are some images you just can’t unsee. As soon as I saw a naked man squatting over a tiny jar, I shut it down. As I mentioned earlier, I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty sure that squatting man + jar = blood & feces everywhere. But for those curious cats who simply gotta see, here’s a link. I’m terribly sorry.

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Weird Sex Injuries That Destroy Your Junk

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