10 Reality Shows We Wouldn’t Want Aliens to See

March 16, 2010

10 Reality Shows We Wouldn’t Want Aliens to See

Posted by Mary at 8:29 am

I feel bad for aliens who have been tasked to study our planet and human behaviour. Not only are we the most contradictory lifeforms on Earth: we fight, we love; we binge while others starve; we create things that destroy the very planet we live on, but we also have a voyeuristic obsession with ourselves, hence the upsurge in reality television shows. Movies and television used to be about escaping, fantasizing and imagining new possibilities. But humans don’t seem to need or want that anymore. They want to immerse themselves in other people’s lives and problems, either to live vicariously through them or revel in how unlike them they are. If Zoltron and Xanax were ever subjected to any of the following reality TV shows, you can bet your Saturn rings they’d assume we were born without brains.

Jersey Shore

Premise: Eight stereotypical Italian/American “Guidos” and “Guidettes” live and vacation on various resorts along the Jersey Shore. The show follows as they live, tan, say shockingly stupid things, wear gold rings, hang out at the beach, sometimes work and mostly kill brain cells.

Wipeout

Premise: Game show series in which contestants willingly smash into things, trip, and hurt themselves competing in the “world’s largest obstacle course”. The player with the fastest time on the course is declared champion of the episode and awarded a grand prize of $50,000.

Japanese Ball Slapping Game Show

Premise: Each contestant is required to repeat a difficult tongue twister. If they make a mistake, they are ball-slapped by an unbelievably fierce ball-slapping machine.

Charm School

Premise: A spin-off of MTV’s Flavor of Love, Charm School is a finishing school for ex-strippers, hookers and meth-addicts aiming to develop proper etiquette. The winner gains the the title of “Charm School Queen”.

The Surreal Life

Premise: A household of retired (not by choice) celebrities cling for their last chance at fame by being exploited. For 10 days a purposefully mismatched set of desperate actors, musicians, previous reality contestants and anyone else who may have brushed elbows with fame at some point, must live together and partake in humiliating activities.

The Swan

Premise: Contestants are chosen for their outer ugliness, the judges for their inner. Each woman is transformed from head to toe, from Skin, Eyes, Nose, Cheeks, Jaw, Breasts, Stomach, Legs to Buttocks. They are not allowed to look at themselves in any mirrors. They are not allowed to have any contact with family or friends, and they live in seclusion for a month, working out intensely while they heal. They are coached (a.k.a verbally abused) by the show’s creator on a daily basis. Whether they’ve eaten too much, worked out too little, or just haven’t been appreciating this truly “once in a lifetime opportunity” enough, SHE will let them know. Moral: Change is about what’s on the outside. The inside falls into place if you’re happy with the outside.

Fear Factor

Premise: Contestants allow themselves to be put in tanks filled with scorpions, snakes, to eat maggots or blended rats and sometimes walk a tight rope between skyscrapers, for money.

The Biggest Loser

Premise: Overweight contestants are humiliated into shape on national television for a cash prize. The person to lose the most weight becomes known as the world’s Biggest Loser.

16 and Pregnant

Premise: Follows the lives of pregnant teenage high school girls displaying low levels of self-esteem and high levels of promiscuous sluttiness and the hardships of being soon-to-be teen moms.

My Super Sweet 16

Premise: MTV reality series documenting the lives of undeserving spoiled-rotten teenagers with an exceptional capacity for bitching, whining, getting their way, and filling the large empty space meant for their souls with superfluous material things. Viewers can watch as their parents throw huge coming of age celebrations.