10 Ridiculously Lazy Halloween Costumes
Posted by Dan at 9:24 am If you’re like me, forgetful and lazy, Halloween can be an annual pain in the ass. Despite the fact that every October, every drug store I pass looks like Dracula threw up all over it, I somehow manage to go 364 days not thinking about Halloween. Ever since I was a teen-aged zombie, and disapproving adults begrudgingly dropped miniature Coffee Crisps into my pillow case, scowling at me with that “Aren’t you too old to be Trick or Treating?” look in their eye, I was positive that my costuming days were over. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Every year, as soon as the first jack-o-lanterned garbage bag is stuffed with fallen leaves, the invitations for Halloween costume parties start going out. Every year people ask me the same dreaded question: “What are you dressing up as?” And every year I give the same answer: “Who knows?” I pretend I don’t care, teasing them for their dorky costume ideas. When suddenly the 31st rolls around. I’m standing alone in my underwear with half a dozen party invitations in my hand, realizing only too late, that I really do care. I wanna dress up and party. Every year I spend Halloween day wishing I’d spent more than 30 seconds on a costume. So finally I’ve created a list of costumes for lazy forgetful folks like me, costumes which cost zero dollars to purchase, and even less thought to put together. Don’t get stuck at home alone because you don’t have a costume, and don’t go out wearing lame costumes like “The Undercover Cop” or the “Secret Shopper.” Bust into those Halloween parties with pride, wearing the laziest costumes the human mind could possibly conceive.
Storm Shadow meets Islam
Perfect for men and women alike, this costume is very versatile as you can go to parties as either a Muslim or a Ninja. Cloaked in mystery, you can even switch from one to the other as the party progresses, creating a general sense of confusion amongst fellow party goers: “Who’s the ninja?” “That’s not a ninja you fool, that’s a burka!”
The Tom Selleck
Similar to the Ninja/Burka face mask, the Tom Selleck is extremely versatile and can easily transform into the Burt Reynolds, the Sean Connery, the Borat, or even into the Ron Jeremy, depending on how kinky the party is. For those with longer fingers you can even curl the moustache to create the Sam Elliott.
Any animal with antlers
An incredible feature with this costume is that you don’t actually have to speak to anyone during the party. You might have to spend some time learning the intricate sounds made by deer or moose, but then again probably not. You could just invent your own sounds as most people have no idea what a deer or moose sounds like.
Time travel is your greatest ally when it comes to inventing last second, unbelievably lazy costume ideas.
You, but from yesterday
This is my personal favourite, because not only do you not have to dress up, but you don’t even have to change your outfit from the day before.
You from the future
This costume will require some explanation, as you’ll have to tell people that you are in fact from the future, and in the future no one wears costumes.
You from the present
Okay, I agree that this one is a bit of a stretch. But you can pull it off by saying things like “I’m an older and wiser version of me from last year,” or “I’m someone who’s in slightly worse physical shape than I was last year.” This is probably the riskiest of the lazy costumes, and people who spent hours on their Heath Ledger “Joker” makeup will resent you.
Sleepy Time You
This is probably the laziest of the lazy costumes. You basically show up to the party, grab a comfortable seat on the couch, and close your eyes. The bonus feature to this outfit is that if you remain committed to the sleeper pose, there’s a 99.9% chance that drunk people will create a costume for you using lipstick, duct tape, and your face.
The Dr. Zoidberg
By blocking one of your nostrils to create your face tentacles, you’re half way to perfecting the Yiddish accent required to pull off Dr. Zoidburg from Futurama. Try practicing sentences like “How am I going to get rid of my male jelly now?” or “Are you suffering from internal parasites?” and you should be off to the races.
The Universal Soldier
Bet you thought you’d pushed this movie so far down into your subconscious that you’d never have to think of Jean-Claude Van Damme as a mind controlled supersoldier ever again. Well its back, ‘cause the Universal Soldier is the perfect lazy-person’s costume, complete with microphone, earpiece and sophisticated eyeball technology. The only downfall to this costume occurs when you have to break character to sip your martinis.
The Sea Captain
A pretty straightforward costume, you can make things more exciting by twisting and adjusting your telescope. Throw in a couple “Yars!” and “Vast ye maties!” and you’ll be the hit of the party
Binocular Man
(Consult your physician before attempting this costume)
The more astute among you may have noticed that we had to switch models for this one. Our original was rushed to the emergency room, suffering from severe joint and tendon damage while attempting to wear this outfit.
So there you have it folks, the lazy-person’s guide to sneaking into costume parties without drawing too much attention to the fact that you really didn’t care about Halloween until about six minutes ago. For obvious reasons we don’t have the picture to go with the best costume of them all, but for those of you who really want to leave a lasting impression with an outfit that no one will ever forget, show up to your next Halloween party as the Emperor from the fairy tale The Emperor’s New Clothes.
Happy Halloween!
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would certainly agree that these are some of the laziest costumes i have ever seen. Made me laugh. Will be interesting to see if i could get away with using one of these ideas at my halloween party this year.
Great post. Thanks