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5 Guaranteed Ways To Fuck Up Your Child

Parents may think they know what’s best for their kids, but sometimes what they think and what they do couldn’t be more opposite to “what’s best”.

For instance…

Speaking Klingon to your Baby

The first five years of a child’s life are supposed to be the most crucial in its development, but clearly someone didn’t get the memo. D’Armond Speers, a computational linguist from Minnesota spoke only Klingon to his son for the first three years of his life to see if he would acquire it like a human language. Apparently, his son would rarely speak back to him in Klingon “though when he did his pronunciation was excellent” claims Daddy Worf. After three years, Speers claims his son stopped listening to him when he would speak the fictional language. Thankfully, his son is now a teenager who does not speak a word of Klingon and is able to converse fluently in English. Only time will tell what complications lie ahead though…

Watch Klingon baby:

Naming Your Kid Marijuana Pepsi

We know celebrities have a thing for giving their babies weird names, but of all the Apples, Moon Units, and Jermajestys out there (okay so there are probably just one of thems), imagine trying to walk for just one day in the shoes of Mrs. Marijuana Pepsi Jackson. Yes, Marijuana and Pepsi are her legal first and middle names, given to her by her stoner mother, Maggie Johnson, in 1972. Providing the ammunition for a life of teasing and roll calling anxiety, life was difficult for little Marijuana, even as she got older.  Whether she was pulled over for speeding, trying to order tickets over the telephone or even filling out paperwork, no one ever took her seriously. When she was finally able to convince people that Yes… that is her name, next would come the downpour of questions asking WHY her parents would do that to her.

Marijuana Pepsi overcame her hardships and is now schoolteacher with a master’s degree in higher education administration. Maybe it’s her way at getting back at all those snot-picking brats that made fun of her. (Though if you ask me, they probably still are…)

Hiding Your Kid in the Garage and Claiming He’s Floating Space in a Helium Balloon

People will go low for their 15-minutes of fame and the balloon boy hoax is a shining example of two parents penetrating the earth’s core to do so. On October 15, 2009, six year old Falcon Heene was reported as having floated away in a home-made helium balloon shaped like a flying saucer. Richard Heene and Mayumi Iizuka had been planning the hoax about two weeks before releasing the balloon and submitting the video to YouTube. The parents had instructed their three children to lie to authorities as well as the media regarding this hoax, for the purpose of making the family “more marketable for future media interests.” Falcon eventually emerged from a hiding place in the family’s garage and Richard Heene was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 100 hours of community service, while his wife Mayumi was sentenced to 20 days in jail.

Watch Falcon admit “it was for the show”

Treating Your Kid Like the Family Pet

Natasha Mikhailova was kept locked in a room with dogs and cats for several years, in horribly filthy living conditions among her father, Viktor Lozhkin, and her grandparents in the Siberian city of Chita. Natasha behaved just like an animal and the family treated her like one of the pets. Unable to speak, she jumps, barks, laps up for her food, drinks with her tongue, and walks on all fours. (Read more feral children stories here.)

Telling Your Kid They Have No Gender

Wanting their child to grow up “freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender mould” two Swedish parents made the decision to keep their baby’s gender a secret, based on their belief that gender is a social construction.

“It’s cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead” said the child’s mother. Keeping the gender secret, “he or she will be able to avoid preconceived notions of how people should be treated if male or female.”

Pop’s (name used for the interview) wardrobe includes everything from dresses to trousers and the parents claim, “Pop usually decides how Pop is going to dress on a given morning”.

Though the parents raise an interesting argument, perhaps you recall the highly controversial David Reimer case where his penis was accidentally destroyed during a circumcision, so the doctor convinced his parents to sexually reassign him and raise him as a girl. He never identified as female and by the age of 14, he had began living as a male. By 34 he underwent treatment to reverse the reassignment, got married and had kids. However, due to years of severe depression, financial instability, and a dissolving marriage, he committed suicide.

The point is, there ARE differences between men and women, aside from the ones between their legs, which are not just based on how you are raised. Let’s just hope that Pop’s life doesn’t turn out like David’s.

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