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Film Trailer Giveaways That a Movie Will Suck

Why Hollywood, why?  Why do you take all that is good, and turn it to poo?  It’s like you’ve got this team of anti-alchemists working around the clock, taking our favorite novels, our fondest childhood memories, even freaking movies that already exist and transforming them into dilapidated fecal patties to be hurled at walls by bonobo monkeys.

Yeah that’s right, bonobo monkeys.

Particularly in the last 2 years or so we’ve been bombarded with film trailers that got our little hearts beating faster, effectively getting us off the couch and into the theaters, only to have us walk out  2 hours later, pissed off and unable to believe they somehow managed to miss the mark YET AGAIN.  So how can we avoid this, sparing our wallets from financial strain and our souls from bitter disappointment?  The answers my friends are blowing in the wind.  Just replace “wind” with trailers, and replace “blowing” with…well just delete blowing.

Obviously there are trailers for movies so terrible that any person with active brain matter could confidently lean over to the person next to them and say “I will NEVER see that!”  But when trailers for major blockbusters are concerned, the hints that they might be giant stink bombs are a little more subtle.  The following are some clues on how to sift through the cinematic muck.

If the trailer voice guy sucks

On September 1, 2008, the film industry lost one of its most valuable commodities: Don Lafontaine, the voice for over 5,000 movie trailers.  While “Thunder Throat” is probably the last nickname you’d want your teenaged son to acquire in high school, LaFontaine’s voice dropped lower than his classmates’ testicles at an early age, earning him a lifetime’s worth of voiceover work and voice acting gigs.  But he’s most famous for introducing millions of movie goers to upcoming productions with the famous phrase “In a world where lizards could sing.”  Well, at least the “in a world” part.

As soon as LaFontaine’s words bellowed forth from theatre subwoofers, you knew the movie being previewed was going to kick ass.  His voice work for trailers was so good that stand up comic Pablo Francisco practically made a living of impersonating him.

So, whenever you hear a voice, trying desperately to be the voice, the movie is probably a piece of garbage.

Now I realize that Don hasn’t voiced any trailers in over two years, due of course to his lack of life. But then again, I don’t think I’ve seen a decent film since ’08.  So there!  My logic is sound.

If the trailer shows you all the best parts

Have you ever watched a trailer and felt “Well, now I don’t need to see the movie.” A movie trailer lasts about 2 minutes, and yet some of them manage to give up all the goods for a film which lasts about 120.  You’re supposed to sell the sizzle, not run around slapping everyone in the face with the steak.  Here’s an example of a good preview for a good movie.  Remember, less is often more.  This preview starts with 3 seconds of blackness, before showing you a single image.  That’s balls.  They know what they’ve got, and they’re not afraid to make us wait.  In fact, over the course of the 120 second preview, 10 of those seconds are spent in total darkness, letting the viewer’s imagination run wild for a little bit.  It gives you very little information, showing you long camera pans of the city, a playing card on fire, and slow zooms of people doing nothing.  Tiny snippets of random disjointed conversations, an explosion here, a flipped truck there, just enough to get the saliva glands tingling.

Now look at this trailer.

After watching the movie and being horribly disappointed, I went back and watched the trailer and understood why: I already knew everything that was going to happen before seeing the damned thing.  Everything in the trailer is in the exact chronological order as in the movie:

• Sam leaves Bumblebee and Megan Fox behind to go to school (idiot!!!)
• He gets infected by the AllSpark splinter and freaks out in class
• The Decepticons come to earth, destroying buildings and an aircraft carrier
• John Turturro has the answers and delivers the only good line in the entire movie
• The symbols lead everyone to the pyramids
• Megatron comes back!
• Optimus Prime gets his butt kicked
• Sam gets captured
• Autobots do battle with Decepticons
• Devastator sucks up the desert

Thanks guys.  You basically gave us all the punch lines, so we could spend 12 bucks + pop corn + drink to sit and watch the setups.

If the trailer features Nicholas Cage

That is all.

If the trailer for a comedy doesn’t make you laugh

I’ve always been a fan of the Whitest Kids U’ Know, but I was a bit nervous about whether or not they could sustain their funniness any longer than the 10 minute cut-off point of a YouTube clip.  Turns out my instincts were correct, and according to my stringent performance evaluations, Miss March was an unbelievable pile of poop.  I shouldn’t have been surprised though, the trailer didn’t make me laugh once, not even that laugh where you quickly exhale through your nose and nod your head once or twice.

Year One was also a big disappointment. But how could this be?  The trailer was hilarious, made me laugh 3-4 times out loud, it featured an all-star comedy cast, the idea was fun and it even had Michael Cera completely painted in gold.  So where did I go wrong? Why didn’t I foresee the huge upset?  I went back and watched the preview again for any signs I might have missed, and sure enough, there it was, plain as day: lame preview guy voice.

If the trailer references other films

“It’s like The Matrix meets Big Mama.”  Whenever a film needs to compare itself to another film, chances are it’s going to be terrible.  The producers have so little faith in their own product they need to piggy back on the works of others.  A classic example is the trailer for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, a film whose name alone should have aroused our suspicions.  They spend the first half of the preview, reminding us of the first three Indy films!  Weak.

More clues to be wary of:

• If the trailer features a kid actor saying grownup things.
• If the words “from the director who brought you…” are followed by lame movie titles.
• If you haven’t seen a recognizable face in the first 10 seconds.
• If an actor who won an Oscar for “Best Supporting actor” is now the lead actor.
• If the name Wayans appears anywhere.  ANYWHERE.

In a world where comments are welcome…one man…one woman…two cocker spaniels… all should feel free to add their own clues on how to tell a movie will suck by watching the trailer.

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