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How To Hide Being Hung Over At Work

There are many reasons why people decide to get drunk on a weekday: competitive drinking; stealing traffic cones; the sense of accomplishment from picking someone up a on a Tuesday night… People just love to go out and party like it’s their last night to live and since the Mayan calendar predicts an apocalypse in 2012 anyway, there really wouldn’t be any point in letting your liver off easy.

Waking up at 7 a.m. with a headache that feels like Neil Peart drumming in your brain and beer shits ripping through your ass like liquid fire, can definitely be a recipe for disaster. Matters only worsen once you realize you left your wallet in the taxi cab last night and now you can’t even scrounge up a couple of bucks to get your sorry ass on a bus to work.

Knowing you have to work only makes it worse. If calling in sick is not an option (which is probably the case since you go out every night), here are some helpful tricks to hide a brutal hangover at work.

Before Going To Bed…

This may be wishful thinking, but if you can remember, take two extra strength Advil and drink at least 1 pint of water before you pass out. This will make next day’s hang over a little more bearable, at least. Haha just kidding you passed on threshold of your front door.

Before You Leave For Work…

Take A Shower
Last night’s tequila will be seeping through your pores throughout the day and could blow your cover, so make sure you take a really, really, hot shower before you leave for work. And use the strongest smelling soap you’ve got.

Drink Scope
Oh yes my friend…Booze breath can be smelled from a mile away. You can’t just depend on brushing your teeth and rinsing with Scope; you’ve got to full on swallow the stuff.

Ice Your Eyes With Frozen Spoons
To get rid of the dark circles around your eyes, take two spoons and put them in ice. Place the frozen spoons on your eyes for at least 45 seconds. This will help bring down the swelling. BONUS: It will also make you feel like you’re going blind.

Visine
Visine the crap out of your eyes and make sure to have the Visine on hand throughout the day. Red, glazed eyes are a total hang over giveaway.

Once You’re At Work…

Don’t Breathe On Anyone
Even though you drank Scope, keep your distance from people at all times.

Act Fast
If someone asks what’s wrong with you, make up a lie, like, “My dog died”, or, “My other dog died.” If anyone catches you with your head buried up to your shoulders inside the company toilet bowl, tell them your diamond rings in there.  If someone sees you begrudgingly dragging your body, pretend like you’re doing “the robot”, and or “the moonwalk”. But keep in mind, your balance will likely be impaired so only do this in an extreme case, like, if your boss just saw you. Most bosses will appreciate a good robot.

Whistle and Sing
Constantly whistle or sing little songs under your breath to keep yourself alert. PRO TIP: Avoid drinking songs.

Plan Ahead
Plan your debauchery one week ahead of time. If you’re a real pro, look hung over on a daily basis. This way people can begin embracing this as your “new look”. Chat up your associates about the new scent you’ve purchased called “eau de last-nights cigarettes and vodka” well before you sport it naturally.

Drink more so you’re not hung-over anymore; you’re drunk.

For Women…

Fake a pregnancy well in advance (about a week, just like the cologne). This will allow you for at least a month of hardcore drinking, i.e. “morning sickness”. In addition, you will also get a free day off after your month of wild debauchery to recover… you know, for your “abortion”.

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